I am a dreamer….

     I dream big! I believe in love and I believe in success. I believe that dreams come true. I believe in love at first encounter and I believe in happily ever after. I won’t stop dreaming. If my dreams don’t come true in the way that I dream them, I know they will come true in the way that God has conceived them. His plan for my life will be a far more rewarding plan than any dream I have. This much I know.

     Today, I have been dreaming of what a year from now will look like. Will I still be on the journey to finding the one or will I be on the journey with the one. Do I know the one today or is he still out there trying to find his way to me?

     Will he have been reading my blog or will it come as a surprise that I have been documenting the path that I have taken to find him? Those are interesting questions that I enjoy pondering on. I look forward to the answers.

     I have chosen to do this. Full disclosure and full honesty. I am putting myself out there I know. I am advertising my heart and my feelings. I will continue to do so. Even if one of my dates happens to stumble across my blog. I know that it is like a road map to my heart, but it is a risk that I want to take. I have been closed up and have had walls around me and my heart for as long as I can remember. I am ready to break them down. I am willing to risk my emotions to find true love. I am committed to being honest with myself, you and my dates… well, I don’t plan on telling them that they will be the subject of a blog, but honest enough that if they stumble across this they won’t be surprised by what they find. 

     Today threw me for a loop. Comfortable jeans showed up with some iced tea for me while I was doing laundry at the laundro-mat (thank you to a broken washing machine). Through email earlier, I had said that I wanted to make sure he and I were on the same page and that he understood that I am dating. I am seriously looking for a husband and I am not going to find that in someone who does not love Jesus or share the same desire that I have to be in a Christ centered marriage. He came back with an openness to walk down that path. He didn’t say it like if that is what you want then that is what I will do. It was more of a statement of this is something that I am curious about but I don’t know how it works and there are skeletons there that I am not sure I can shake. That response has me really having to soul search. He is comfortable and today my major drawback is his lack of Jesus and him not being able to offer me the kind of Christ centered family dynamic that I want. So, if that became a part of his life and he were to find his way independent of me, would that change things for me? I don’t want to string anyone along, but I do want to find qualities in people that I want and that I need to find in a husband. 

     What I do know is that I want someone to share life with. I want to cook with someone. I want to enjoy my/his children with someone. I want to say good night and good morning to someone. I want to cuddle up next to someone and feel safe. I want to know that when I just don’t have the strength or desire to to deal with one more thing that there is someone there who will have my back and encourage me to keep going. I want someone who will love me just because I am me. Not because he thinks I am beautiful or because I am funny or for any of the things that can fade. I want to be able to ask my person why he loves me and have him look me in the eyes and say “just because I do”. I want to find the person who is going to adore my children because they are mine and I want to adore his because they are his. I want someone who I can get lost in and feel little next to. I want to be my dramatic self and have him pretend to be taking me serious while laughing inside. I want to be adored. I want to be cherished. I want to be valued. I want to be protected. These are some of the things that I want. 

To my husband, where ever you are… I am searching for you. Please be looking for me because I am excited to meet you!

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2 thoughts on “I am a dreamer….

  1. Noooooooo!!!!! Comfortable Jeans is killing me!! If he wants to find God tell him to go do it on his own (or introduce him to someone else that can help)… and a year later if he’s still regularly going to church, active in his church community, and living his life in the Christian way you were looking for THEN you can go on your first date with him. Because then it will trully be a first date, because he will be a different man, a better man, a man who MIGHT be worthy of you… although I find plenty of other flaws in addition to his “lack of Jesus!”

    Need I remind you that there was once this other man that played the Church card to placate you and it didn’t end well… and while I don’t think I’ve ever said “I told you so” I’m going to pull that card now… I CALLED THAT SPADE A SPADE… and I was right! Leave Comfortable Jeans to his own spirtual journey, he needs to do it for himself, not for you, only then will it be real and will it be right. In the meantime I wish you would stop giving him valuable time better spent washing your car or organizing your clothes alphabetically by the country they were made rather than going out on dates with him …

    xoxox – Tough Love is usually the best love 😉

  2. You are cracking me up. I have already let comfortable jeans that the journey towards Jesus is his to own and that it is not my responsibility to do that for him. 🙂

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