Searching for the dream

     We are all searching. We are searching for that one. We spend time thinking about and dreaming about the one and who they will be. We have an idea of what we want them to be like and what life with that person will be look like. We envision happily ever after and exciting times. We envision who this person is and what this life will be like changes as life changes. As we get older and have experiences, we begin to change our dream. Every time we are hurt or another wall goes up, the color of the dream changes. It begins to get foggy and it is almost impossible to remember what things looked like before the walls and before life began to change us. Eventually we find that our dream has faded to almost nonexistent. We forget to go back and look at it. We forget to dream about the possibility of forever happiness. We get jaded and settle into the thought that there will never be a person as amazing as we had once hoped. If you listen carefully, you will hear it every day. Multiple times in a day, women will say that all the good men are taken. Men will say that there are not any “good” women left. Men and women, as they get older, will begin to complain that everyone comes with baggage and that there aren’t any quality people out there. We begin to believe it. We hear it so much and because so many people buy into it, we fall into the trap of walking around with our baggage and become one of those people that we complain about. As we do this, we continue to get hurt and we continue to build walls until we don’t even realize that we have built these walls so high and built so many of them that we are unable to see over them. Until one day…

     If we are lucky, or if we have held onto a small part of our dream, we will find that the walls are not impenetrable. There is a way in. The army surrounding those walls does have a weak spot and there are people who will find this gap and find their way in. If we are holding on to the thread of the dream we have left and if we are willing to allow ourselves to go back to the dream and try to clarify the murky colors that have crept in over the years, there is the chance of this dream becoming a more active part of our lives again. It is exciting. I can be scary. It should be worth it… Or at least that is what my dream tells me.

     If we are honest, what we all really want is to be loved. We don’t want the walls, but life has left us with what we felt was not an option. We had to build the walls in order to live. Those walls end up hurting us in the long run because what we want is so much harder to see when we live behind those walls that we have built. If we are honest, we don’t want to live behind the walls. We want someone to find the weak point, to break through and find their way to us. We want someone to love us with such passion and fervor that we know without question that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to change their love for us. We want to know that if some tragic even happened and to the rest of the world we are difficult to look at, our person would still think we are the most beautiful person they had ever laid eyes on. We want to know that no matter what they will walk beside us and trudge through the waters with us. If life is going in an amazing direction, we want this person to be as excited as we are and celebrate with us. We want that person to see what may be a small and insignificant moment to others, but is big to us and to celebrate it. We want that person who is going to be excited to wake up next to us and who wants to rush home to be with us, that person who just loves us no matter what. That is what we want. When we started our dream, we didn’t dream about the daily grind of life, we dreamt about how in love we were going to be. There were stars in our eyes and hearts above our head. The yard work was assumed to be done and the house was always just perfect. The money was in the bank and we didn’t have bills and unexpected expenses that were a part of our dream. We just dreamt. We dreamt of the life that we wanted.

     I used to dream like that. Mine was probably far less romantic than a lot of my friends, but I have always dreamed of being loved. I have over the years tried to deny that and pretend like it wasn’t important. Those are my walls. Every wall is a wall with someone’s name on it. I have been hurt, taken advantage of, been used as an insignificant individual and treated like I was not important. I allowed those things to be walls that are built. I have built my walls so high that I have often said it would take an incredible strong person to break through them. I thought at one point that a person had, but that person (who I married) didn’t break them down, he just moved past them briefly and ultimately doubled the amount of walls that I had up. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a responsibility in the events that created the walls. I helped build them. I didn’t respect myself as I should have or protect myself in healthy ways, so the walls that all have names on them should really have my name on them as well which makes those walls even higher and more challenging to break down.

     I have spent a long time now thinking that I did not want to get married again. I wasn’t interested in love. I liked being single and I didn’t need anyone except my friends and maybe a male friend to hang out with on occasion. I forgot about the dream. I allowed myself to get caught up in the walls. I am not sure what specific event changed that. Maybe it was a legitimate dream, but I know that one day I woke up and knew. I knew in a way that I have not felt in a long time with such conviction that I wanted to do life with someone. I did not want to be single forever and that I was ready. Like really ready to begin my journey towards finding my husband. I didn’t put a timeline on it and I didn’t feel some crazy passion to make it happen in a few months. I was willing to wait for years if I had to, but I knew that I was going to intentionally date and I was going to allow myself to find my husband. I gave myself permission to revisit my dreams again. To remember what it was that I had at one time wanted to feel and live. I began to revise my dream to compliment the growth that I had experienced over the years of wall building. I began to pray for my husband where ever he was and whoever he is. I began to imagine life as a family and define my role as a woman and a wife. I started to pray that I would become the woman that my husband wanted and needed. I began to close my eyes and visualize a day with my husband. Not a dream day, but a real day with work and chores and bills, but to visualize how I want to do that. I began to train my thoughts to remember that when my husband or myself is leaving the house for whatever reason and no matter how much of a hurry we are in, stopping and taking a moment to not rush and to say I love you and to truly kiss and appreciate that we are in each other’s lives. I began to redefine my life and do personal inventory on what I need to do different. I have brought the dream to life and it is exciting! I absolutely love the dream. I can’t believe that I ever let it die. The dream makes every day exciting and fun and worth living. The dream will stay alive and it will be revised as life happens, but it will not see murky colors again. I want the dream to be vibrant and beautiful.

     I am not sure if the things in my life currently are going to be permanent, but I can say that the dream is being made and revised and enjoyed as I live this life. I had an amazing time in San Francisco this weekend. It was a short trip and one that I went into without expectations beyond enjoying myself and getting to know Nameless. It was a perfect trip. It was fun and relaxing. We covered a lot of ground (Berkeley, Napa and San Francisco) in a short amount of time, but it didn’t feel rushed. Memories were made. I am not ready to say what this thing is that we have, but I can say that I have never met a person who makes me feel more beautiful and valued than Nameless. I am excited to see where it will go and to find out if he will be a part of my continuing dream.

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