Feelings, emotions, perceptions… sometimes they are so overwhelming. I know what I want, I just don’t know how to get there. I know that God has a plan for me and if I ask Him for what I want, he will give it to me, but the question becomes is it what He wants for my life? I know that God gives us the desires of our heart, but are the desires of my heart in line with what He wants for me, or am I allowing my feelings, emotions and perceptions to take the lead? I am such a complicated person that sometimes I don’t even understand myself.
In response to an assignment that I have to do for class, my best friend stated that I “micromanage” my feelings. She is so right, so if I micromanage my feelings, how do I stop doing so? I control my feelings so much that I don’t naturally feel. I turn them on and off based on my surroundings and how I want to appear to feel at the moment and sometimes I don’t know if my feelings are real or made up.
Somehow, I need to find a way to release some of that control so that I can feel in the way that others feel. I would like to feel a genuine feeling at the right moment instead of a waive of feelings because I can’t control them any longer in that moment. I realized this weekend that I live on a roller coaster. I am super high in my happiness and everything is awesome even when it is not, but eventually that high becomes an emotional crash and I find myself distant and in deep need of silence and alone time. I am not depressed and I am not sad. I am not really anything except emotionless and it stinks. I don’t enjoy it. I feel myself slipping into an emotional coma and I can’t do anything at all about it. I just have to ride it out. With all of the emotional control that I portray on the outside, I think that it would overwhelm someone to really know the emotional disaster that is going on inside. I really do feel so much when all is quiet and when I am left to myself. Maybe that is why I need the “me” time. When I get “me” time, I have the opportunity to bask in the quiet of my house. There isn’t a TV or vocal kids. There is not another person who needs me or who I need to think about. It is just me and my thoughts. My thoughts provide me the freedom to work through the emotions that I will not allow another soul to experience. Those moments are precious to me and help me to reestablish a sense of calm.
I want to learn to allow God to lead my path instead of me feeling like I need to control so much. I want to learn to stop and ask for His guidance instead of trying to navigate life myself. There is an awesome calm in knowing that I have Jesus behind me! He is in my corner cheering me on and offering me the road map to life. I just need to push through and tune out all of the noise and let Him lead. He can see the future. He knows what my future can look like. Jesus truly wants nothing but the best for his children, and I am His child…a princess in His eyes. I so badly want to surrender my life completely to Him. I try, but I just take it back time and time again like I actually know what is best for me. It is a little disappointing that after all of this time and after Jesus has shown his love for me on so many different occasions and pulled me out of some dark moments that I am still holding onto parts of my life. At some point I need to give it up.
Learning these things about myself is fascinating. It gives me the opportunity to improve and to grow. It gives me insight into what I need to do differently and what I can work on to be the best for someone else. I have no doubt that I am ready, but I know I could be an even better person for someone. I deserve a whole person and whomever my someone is deserves a whole person as well and I am not about to sit here idle. I am going to fight to be the best me that I can possibly be. I am going to be the woman that Jesus intended me to be. However long it takes.