As I sit here in the silence of my home, I know that I need to be studying and preparing for my midterm, but I just have to get some thoughts out. This has been one emotional day. This day started out with a really special date with Jesus. One that I have needed but have been afraid to have. I am not very good with emotion and I am very good at avoiding it.
Friday I went to a bible study with some women from church. It was great, but then again it always is. I am blessed to be surrounded with amazing people in my life and I am so grateful for such an incredible church body. At the end, a few of us stuck around for a while just chatting about things. One of the things that we discussed was my daughter and the challenges that I am facing with our relationship and choices that she and I have both made. These amazing women prayed over me and prayed specifically for a few things to happen. I know God is good and I know he works. Sometimes we just have to let Him. That was just the beginning of inviting Him into this part of my life.
Last night, my daughter shows up on my door step. We were supposed to have breakfast this morning so she asked if she could just spend the night at my house instead of going back to hers since it is a ways away. Of course I would never say no to that so she stayed. This morning we got up and we went to breakfast. She asked if Nameless was joining us because she wanted to meet him. So…Nameless and his kids met us for breakfast. It was a pleasant time. We all did a lot of talking and there was some good laughing in there too. It was good and necessary I think. Even though I couldn’t really tell you how, I think it opened some doors.
After breakfast, my daughter and I went to get ice cream (breakfast was like at 10:30 so it was appropriate ice cream time when we finished) and then we slowly made it to her house with a few stops along the way. I left her house just so uneasy. Something just didn’t feel right this time. I picked up the phone and called Nameless. Not with the intent of discussing it, but just with the intent of just talking. He knew just what to ask and just what to say though. He is gentle in his words and clear in his convictions. He made some real points and made some suggestions that provoked thought on my part.
After hanging up with him, I called my daughter and expressed my concerns and also talked to her about some things that had been on my heart. Our conversation ended up being the most valuable 40 minutes that I think she and I have had in years. I would venture to say that it may even have been the first step towards healing some hurt. There were tears on both ends and some real honesty on her end, well both ends actually. It was eye opening for me in a very good way. I was taken back by how she views me. I never would have guessed. The way in which she values me and my opinion, the way that she looks up to me and the way that she really feeds off of my words was a complete shock to me. I am not going to go into those things but it opened my eyes to some things and reinforced some behaviors on my end.
Being a parent is hard. Sometimes you don’t know if you are doing the right thing and when your kids turn down a path that you know is going to lead to hard times and pain it is incredibly challenging to watch. It is almost paralyzing at times to know that there is nothing you can do to protect them. The only thing you can do is get on your knees and pray which I have not done for personal reasons of my own. This morning I put those personal reasons aside and I was obedient to God’s command for me to pray for my child and although nothing has changed in the physical sense, I felt Him work a mighty work today. My daughter is the one area of my life that I have felt so alone and so afraid and so lost. Today, Jesus started my day with promises for me. He started my day encouraging me. He started my day comforting me. He started my day listening to me and then I truly feel that he brought Nameless into my day in a way that I need even though I didn’t know I needed it.
My appreciation for Nameless grows daily. He continues to blow me away and sweep me off of my feet. I would venture to say that he doesn’t even know it. I am confident that he doesn’t even mean to it just happens by him being the person that he is.