…it likes to throw you curve balls. I didn’t start this blog with the expectation that everyone would be accepting of it. I also didn’t start this blog concerned about the criticism and I have never been concerned about who saw it. It is my quest. Nothing more and nothing less. I am not here to speak poorly about anybody or to poke fun of people. Sure there are some dates that I have felt I needed to talk about and I do think they are amusing, but their identity is protected and I am not making fun of them. This is simply a way for me to document my journey and share it with others.
I would hope that a buzz is created and that people read my blog. I also would hope that it would be a fun journey for others to experience with me. I don’t think that I have posted anything compromising or damaging. My life is simple, I don’t have anything to hide and it is an open book. I intend to keep it that way. As soon as I find things to hide is when I will know that I am stepping out of the will of Christ and I do not want to ever venture off of the path that He would like to see me on again.
Where is this coming from you might ask? Well, this has been a rough few days. Not rough in a way that I have been feeling unrest or a lack of peace, but rough because I feel like there are things happening all around me that I cannot control. There are attacks directed at me and I am not enjoying it. I know that the closer that we are with God and the more that we are in his will, the harder the enemy fights and the more the angels are fighting for us. Even with that knowledge, it can get discouraging.
I have this absolutely incredible man in my life. I would love to say that he is the one. The last man that I will ever have to do this dance with, but we aren’t really in the place to say that yet. If we were, some of this would be a lot easier. So, I have this piece of positive energy in my life and I am on a fantastic path towards rekindling the fire that I once had with Jesus and I am set up to be able to participate in some bible studies and really fill to overflowing with God’s love, which is all a recipe for the enemy to attack. So as I am experiencing peace and knowing that I am in an amazing resting place right now, I find some outside sources trying to pull me down. I have so much happening around me and so much trying to weigh me down that I would love to grab my kids and just go away for a short period of time. On a vacation somewhere peaceful. Somewhere that I can turn off my phone and just enjoy the moment.
Not only am I experiencing these personal attacks, and when I say personal attacks I am referring to out right personal defamation. Name calling even. I am an adult and an adult man is calling me a Ding Dong because he is unhappy with… I don’t even know… the inability to control me? Then there is my daughter and some things that are just so out of control in the environment that she lives in and I want to run and rescue her, but really I just can’t. She chose this and I have to let her walk it out. This morning there was an attempt to involve me in some gossip and potential division among some of us that have to see each other daily. I chose not to be a part of it, but it was just another layer. Then tonight… sigh..,. Why tonight? I am feeling a little, okay a lot worn down and I still had a mid term to finish. I had a long day and in walks Nameless with a “study basket” it was so great and really thoughtful. It brought some light to an otherwise not so light day. I was just finishing up my evening when I received a text message from a certain someone whom I spoke about early on in my blog, Mr. Original. I really never thought I would hear from him again. We didn’t stop talking on bad terms, it was more based on circumstances, but still… We stopped talking. I hadn’t anticipated that his name would show up on my phone… tonight it did. The internal conflict is in full force. How frustrating. Original and I have never been able to get our timing right and it is so aggravating. Maybe it is intentional and maybe I need to be thanking God for watching out for me, but really? It is like this every time. So for now, we will talk like we always did and I will have to see what happens.
My heart is with Nameless. He is truly an incredible man. He makes me feel special in a way that I have never felt before. His kids are so incredible and such enjoyable souls. I would not be smart to jeopardize this which is what keeps me going every day. I do not want to jeopardize the opportunity to get to know and spend every day from here on out with this man. However, I would be challenging the integrity of this blog if I did not at least admit that I am tempted by Original. There is a curiosity there that has been there for years. We both have been curious and we both have wanted to explore it, but the timing has always been off. This may be my last opportunity for the rest of my days to take that chance and see if there is anything at all there. Opinion? Feedback? It is welcomed. I do not want to risk losing Nameless or his trust, but I do not want to wonder for the rest of my life if I gave up on Original too quickly.