I would love to say that this quest is 100% fun and positive. I would love to say that it is all joy and sunflowers, but nope… It most certainly isn’t. What I would love to say after this is that it is all someone else’s problem and that I am full of rainbows and sunshine. I can’t do that though. Well, I guess I could and then I could make up a story to follow and it would be awesome and wonderful and I would feel so much better, but that is not the truth and even though I am sure that some would tell me that is what I should do and to keep my real “junk” out from the public eye, I am not going to do that. Anyway, I kind of need this release right now. My head is swimming.
The song Mighty to Save keeps running through my head (Hillsong sings it, but I know Michael W. Smith sang it too. I am not sure where it originally came from). I feel like the angel and devil are on my shoulders speaking things into my head. It is a jumbled mess. My God is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save… He is the author of Salvation, and I am so incredibly grateful for that because I don’t know how I would do life without him. I have so many lies running through my head. I say they are lies because even though the actions of my past are very real, they do not define me. I know that this is the work of the enemy, and that I have to stand up and cry out for Jesus and rebuke the enemy from the very bottom of my soul, but the voices are so loud that sometimes I feel like they are… okay not sometimes over the last few days, they are overpowering what I know to be the truth.
Our Pastor has started a new series today called fearless. There is not much that I am afraid of, or at least there isn’t a lot that would come to mind if someone asked what I was afraid of. There is one person that I can think of who has the ability to bring the fear out in me and then today sitting in the service, I realized that my past is my fear. I made a lot of really bad choices over the span of about 10 years. It haunts me at times, and I have allowed that to define me so many times in my life. I hear people’s voices from the past in my head and I can’t get rid of them.
The one thing that rings through my head loudly is “nobody will ever love you unless…”. That is the loudest lie that I hear.
<<As I write this, the skies have opened up and suddenly it is pouring down rain>>
You know, I have been told over and over that all satan needs is a foothold. I gave him that. It has been so long since I have given him something to really work against me. I have been so intentional in not giving that to him. I have been adamant that he was not going to get me ever again. I have been strong and have kept my guard up until… there it was. I was found myself at a crossroads. There was the narrow path and then there was the other path. I chose the other and that was all the enemy needed. He took that moment and just started pummeling me with lies. Memories of things I never cared to think about have flooded my head. I have heard the hurtful words of others that was said so many years ago in such a loud voice. I can’t escape it. I am choosing to believe that God is allowing these things to come back in my mind so that I can deal with them
I believe that God let’s us rest from emotional situations until we are at a place where we can handle it and then he allows it to come back when He can work in us. I don’t believe that God put me in a position to sin and give satan that foothold, but I do believe that He knew I was going to sin and he is allowing me to walk down a path that will end in healing. In the mean time it is not fun. I am rejoicing in the opportunity to heal and the opportunity to see God work and make me an even better and stronger person, but the process itself is just not pretty.
As I try to process and work through this. As I open up and ask God to show me what I need to learn, to pour truth into me and to heal me from the wounds of the past, I find myself being short with Nameless and not being fair to him. He is kind and he truly cares about me and I am pretty sure that if I opened up to him about all of the turmoil in my head, he would walk it out with me and not condemn me or think poorly of me, but I am not ready or willing to do that at this time. What I need to do is find a way to not push him away in the process. My best friend really spoke some harsh yet true words the other day. She was not even a little gentle about anything she said which I completely appreciate. Her words also are resounding through my head along with all of the other stuff. It is just so much!
I believe that Nameless is worth fighting for. I believe that I am worth healing for. I believe that Jesus loves me and he is not going to leave me or forsake me. I believe that Jesus will hold my hand through this and when it gets to be too much he will carry me. I believe that I will come out of this a stronger person and someone even more ready to be an awesome Godly and loving wife. I believe that Jesus truths will be a lot louder than the enemy’s lies if I would give up control and let Jesus do His work.
Isaiah 40:31 says “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, the will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”… My hope is in the Lord and I know He will renew my strength.
When I started this blog, I never imagined that it would be anything more than fun stories of my dating experiences. I didn’t expect to meet someone that I cared so deeply about so early on into the journey. I didn’t expect to allow this to be a forum to open up and express any true genuine feelings other than the goofy butterflies of new interests. This is turning into so much more than I expected. It is my journey. The journey can’t be all fun stories and butterflies because then it wouldn’t really be a true accounting of my steps and what it took to get where I am going. I am just realizing this. I do catch some slack for the blog and I have had a person or two try to use it to get under my skin, but ya know… This is kind of healing all on it’s own. It feels good to get things out, and if other people read it… well I hope that it speaks to them in some way. I hope that some make people laugh and some stories are heart warming, but if it is none of those things, at least I know that it is something I can one day look back on and say “wow, that was my journey”.