… I didn’t realize how long it had been since I posted until my sister said that she hasn’t seen anything from me for a while. I really thought it had just been a couple of days. Oops! Time flies when I least expect it and I am sure I should be in bed now since I am about 5 minutes away from Sunday. My phone died long ago and it has been nice to enjoy the quiet and just get lost in my one vice… Drop Dead Diva. I am sad that I have watched every episode on Netflix. I guess I need to find a new TV addiction.
So, what has happened since we last spoke? So much! In fact, really too much to remember or to document, however there were a few significant mental break through’s in my life. This is where it gets hard though. I really didn’t think out my blog before it started. It was a spur of the moment idea that I thought would be fun and entertaining. For those of you who know me personally and know how I speak, you may think that is exactly what this is. If you don’t know me, I hope that my tone shines through and the occasional sarcastic tone comes out or the fun loving wit that I hear in my head. In my head, even the serious stuff is kind of fun. In my head, I hear these conversations and it feels good to get it out. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the number of people that I know who would read the blog and comment on it. I guess I thought that I was mentally handpicking the people who would read. I have not kept an ounce of honesty out of this, but there are times I begin to pull out my computer and then think “maybe I shouldn’t”. I guess I see this as a story. Just because I feel something one day, it does not mean that the next day I will feel exactly the same. I am a girl you know and I reserve the right to change my mind.
Well, another day has passed since I started this post. There is so much on my mind and I don’t know where to begin. I was naive enough to think that this journey would be an easy one. A journey that would not be full of confusion and conflict. I didn’t know that I still had so many unresolved thoughts in the back of my mind that could affect my future relationship. I did not live an easy life at all. Our series at church is fearless which is pulling out a whole lot of yuck in my head. I would not consider myself a fearful person. I am learning though that there are things that I am fearful about and one of those things is my past. The thought of it coming back to haunt me or to threaten my happiness can be paralyzing and can cause me to respond to things in my life by pushing people away. I know this is not healthy and I know that this is not what God’s best for me is, and I need to give it to God and let Him handle this for me. That is a daily choice though.
As I get closer to discovering what I want and spending time with that person, I am realizing I need to put to bed some of these fears thoughts and emotions. I have to allow God to work in order for his ultimate plan to play out. I want to be used by God and I want to be in His will.
So, what is my main challenge and why is my past such a fear? I had to do some soul searching on this. I strongly feel that my confusion and discontent comes from my distorted view of Christianity. I spent my childhood learning that to be a Christian I had to put on a show. I could not show weakness or flaws. A Christian was supposed to look, dress and act a certain way. It was okay to be angry and yell at home, but in public… that was not okay. What if somebody saw this? What if someone found out that our family union was not always happy and perfect? When I got pregnant with my daughter there were people in my family that told me that I had tarnished the family name. I was an embarrassment at times. This carried over into my adult life. I have found myself in the past doing the same thing with my daughter. What a tragedy if someone discovered that we were a messy family. I put on a show in order to be accepted and loved, but really in the long run, it left me without close friends or a support group. People couldn’t get too close or they might see who I really was and I didn’t want to not be accepted. This was reinforced by some of the churches that I have gone to and friends that I have associated with inside of the church. They were not open to hearing about my stuff. By stuff I am not even referring to the worst of it, but just the daily grind. I am a believer so I everything in life should be great because I am following Jesus. LIE!!! There is not one place in the bible that says life will be easy. Just because I am a believer does not mean that sinning becomes less tempting, in fact sometimes it is more so. Even knowing that and working so hard over the last couple of years to not “play christian” and to just be me, I still hear in the back of my head that I am not good enough or not Christian enough because I am not perfect. I still hear all of the reasons why no man will ever marry me even if it was said in jest (my divorce solidified a lot of these lies for me). Words ring though my head all of the time. Something good starts to happen and suddenly I am ruining it before it can flourish into something amazing because then I can’t get hurt. I can’t get hurt because I am going to do the walking away first which is another lie. Even when I walk away first, it still hurts. I still feel rejection and I still feel like I will never be loved. Like if someone finds out who I was that it will make them run away and never come back.
I know who I am today. I am a daughter of the most holy one. I am beautiful in His sight. I was created for greatness. I am loved. God does not make mistakes and he created me! I am perfect in His eyes. He does not expect me to pretend to be someone else because he sees all of me. I can’t hide from Him. My “stuff” and earthly imperfections can and will be used by Him. He knew what path I would take before I ever took it and he already knew how He was going to use it. I know this, but sometimes I forget it. Sometimes I get so caught up listening to the voices in my head that I allow that fear to over run me and take control. This is not what He wants for my life.
I am a work in progress. I have much to learn. I will always be growing as long as I allow Jesus to be the leader of my life so that He can shape me into the woman that He intended me to be.
I don’t know where this journey leads. I don’t know who my earthly husband will be. I do know that when the time is right God will reveal that to me and I do know that I will continue to let him work in me and do my best to not allow the enemy to sneak up on me.
I am standing today with my arms open asking Jesus to reshape my thoughts and to speak truth into my life. He has already surrounded me with an incredible church family and amazing friends who love me for me and who do not expect me to be anything different than who I am today. These people have been amazing and the person I am today is not the person I was a year ago. I am thankful that I know them and I am so grateful that God put these people in my path and that I did not push them away. Some of these women know my stuff