No matter what kind of relationship you have with your mom, you learn from her. Some people are so close to their moms that they talk to them every day. Some are so close to their moms that they only talk to them once in a while and then some are just not close to their moms at all. I know I don’t appreciate mine as much as I should. We are two very different people in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways we are one in the same. There is one thing (of many) that I can always count on my mom for. She will always listen and she will always offer a different perspective. Okay, not always… Sometimes it is just confirmation of how I am feeling.
Right now I am grateful for my mom because of many reasons but at this moment I am grateful because of our conversation. I am feeling a little challenged and discouraged on this journey. I feel like my sudden change to go from thinking I would be single forever to wanting to be married was God inspired. I don’t think that God’s nudge for a change of heart in my desire was because I am getting married in the very near future either. When this began, I did think I would be married inside of a year, but now… I feel like there is some grooming that God is doing. There is a learning curve here and I have no timeline at all. Who knows, I could still be on this quest 20 years from now wondering why it is that I woke up one morning with a heaviness that it was time to start praying for and being open to meeting my husband. My mom, like she is so good at doing, emailed me at just the right time asking me how things were going with Nameless. It opened up a dialogue that has been beneficial to me. Sometimes I think that I am on an island all by myself. I allow myself to believe the lies that I am the only one in the world that feels the way that I do and therefore there must be something wrong with me. I am not the only person in the world who feels this way, I am just the only person in MY world that I know who feels the way that I do.
So, on July 31st in my Life is interesting post, I blogged about how Original had randomly popped back into my life for a brief moment and my confusion that surrounded that and then a few hours later I posted a retraction saying that I had lost my mind. The problem is that the contact (even though there hasn’t been any more since then) along with some struggles with Nameless and some conversations with another (not my mom) has me all jumbled inside. I am confused and conflicted. I know that Nameless is incredible. I know that I have never met a man quite like him and I honestly enjoy all of the time that we spend together. There is no question about that. I also know that I am so darn stuck in my ways that I am unsure that I can or desire to adapt in the ways that I feel I would need to for us to be happily ever after. When I start thinking about that, I digress to the me pre- I feel the desire on my heart to get married and I think there is no way I will EVER be able to get married unless it is to someone who has a schedule opposite of mine or travels a lot. I don’t know that I have the capability of being with someone all of the time and not feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic unless we are both working towards the same constant goal. I love working. I love challenging my mind and I love doing that with another person, but when it moves past that, I am kind of lost. It looses its luster and appeal with a quickness. My ex-husband and I didn’t do life well together, but we worked well together. That ability to do so is what kept me going.
Currently Nameless is on a business trip out of the country which prevents us from speaking to each other a whole lot. Well not at all actually other than through text. We will be meeting in San Francisco again on Friday and spending the weekend in Napa which is actually a very appealing thought. It will be relaxing (hopefully) and an escape from reality. I am looking forward to it, but I am also concerned about how it might go. What if it is uncomfortable because he left on an uncomfortable note (totally my doing)? That would be awful to be so far away and disliking the time together. I worry that he is just enjoying having someone in his life and that it isn’t because he enjoys me. Don’t misunderstand that. I know that I am an enjoyable person and I do think that there are people out there who enjoy me or who would really enjoy spending the rest of their lives with me, but I am a realist too. He is so romantic and I am not. He wants to spend lots of time with his person and I am okay not spending lots of time with my person. I like spending time with them, but I also like spending time away from them. As far as the romantic thing, I like the random notes or the coffee that was left on the door step. I like the small gestures throughout the week, but then when it becomes a daily activity, suddenly I find myself feeling like I want to scream and run. I don’t know what my problem is and I am sure it is MY problem.
Then there is Original who is on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. We can go MONTHS with out speaking to each other or contacting each other and then one day he pops up out of no where and we talk for a few hours or a few days and then POOF he is gone again. It is just enough to keep me interested and to keep me wondering what it would be like if he stuck around for more than a 24 hour period. I hold onto a short period of time 2 years ago and he is good at playing on that. We had a quick and event-less romance. If you could even call it a romance. We met. We saw each other and spoke in passing for about 6 months, but he lived at the community that I managed so that line was never crossed. I put my 2 week notice in, one of my co-workers told him, he reached out to me on my final day and we went out a few times in a span of a month. Then he took a trip to California, I flew out and met him out there we spent a pretty great weekend at the beach with him surfing and me studying and then drove home. It was like 2 friends hanging out. We got home, he got distant and I ended it. From that point forward it has been communication every couple of months, the occasional meet up for coffee and catching up on our lives and that is it, so really I have absolutely no reason to hang on. So what that we had a good time on the beach. WE didn’t really have a good time. He had a good time surfing. I had a good time sitting on the beach studying. He had a good time watching the fight. I had a good time reading a book. We just happened to be in the the same space and had meals together. I don’t understand why I think that would be something worth exploring, but I guess I do because him contacting me nineteen days ago has my brain confused.
What all of it boils down to is that I have got to lose the word “I” in my vocabulary. Things get all twisted and jumbled because I continuously wonder what I want. What do I think would be good for me? What kind of man do I think I would be best with? What in the world makes me think that I have any clue? I am just a human who has conflicting emotions and is confused by my random thoughts and actions daily. I am like a squirrel who can’t keep focus. I get distracted constantly. What I need to do is quit asking what I want and ask what does God want. He ultimately knows what kind of person is best for me and I need to trust Him to show me. I need to trust that He will let me know who is right when He is good and ready to do so. I trust Him so much in so many areas of my life, but there are a few that for some reason, I just cannot let go of that death grip. It is exhausting. This is where the refining is coming in. He must be preparing me as well as my future husband for an amazing life together. Now is the time. I am not sure why now, but I guess that is all part of the process. I don’t need to know. Not yet anyway.