I am tired. That is all that I can really think about right now. It is one of those times that I would so love to come home to someone encouraging. Someone to just give me a hug and say nothing and then let me go upstairs and take the time that I need to change and be ready to see people. It would be nice to have something to eat, talk a little bit and then go to bed. That is what I want tonight. This is the first really yucky day in a long time. I want to erase this day.
Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I can recover from today and then Friday, I leave for Napa! I can’t wait! I am half tempted to leave my phone at home and just take a weekend with no communication. I am not sure I am able to do that, but that is how I feel at this moment.
There are so many things racing through my mind right now. I am a ball of confusion. I am sure that it is a result of the kind of day that I had, so I am going to hold back putting in writing how I feel. The last time I wrote after a long day, I had to retract what I said the next morning and then I got into trouble because the people who read it didn’t read the second half…
…That isn’t fair! This is MY blog. If I want to write how I feel, well then I will and I should. Just because I feel it in this moment doesn’t mean this is the final way that I feel. It just means that it is what is going on in my mind at this moment. Who knows what I will feel like when I wake up in the morning.
Right now, I want to run away. I feel pressure everywhere. I feel empty and like I am never going to get things right. I have neglected my God time which always puts me in a funk. I feel pressured in the male part of my world which I know is all me and my perceptions, but I feel like things are happening too fast and spinning out of control and I don’t want that. I don’t want to look back and say “oh my gosh, how did this happen?”. I feel like I can’t be everything and do everything. I feel like I wasn’t created to do that. I was created to be a mom and a wife and that really is all I want to do. Tonight I feel like I have lost my motivation to do anything. I want my life to be different than what it is. The promises and hopes of 7 years ago are gone and I don’t exactly want those back, but I want my life to be what I thought it was going to be with the family and the life that comes with that. I know that life like that is not always perfect and doesn’t always look pretty and that it is not always fun, but I want that. I want to have my person to come home to every day. Tonight, that is what I want and how I feel. Tonight, I wish I knew without question who that person is and when I will have that part of my life back.