Oh how I want to say “I HAVE FOUND THE ONE AND IT IS PERFECT!”, but that is not my reality today. In fact, today I am feeling quite the opposite. There is that strong tug on my heart to prepare for my husband and to do what I need to do to get ready, but today I am wondering if I can really ever be in a relationship.
Relationships cause chaos in my life. Even though I enjoy going out and getting to know someone, so many other things in my life begin to fall apart. The thing that falls apart first is my house. It gets the least amount of attention when I am involved with someone and then it takes so long to get it back to a place of enjoyment when the relationship comes to a halt. This weekend I spent some time cleaning and doing laundry and putting clothes away. I am still not done, but I managed to get so far along that it feels so good. I am ahead in school, I am getting things accomplished in so many areas and I don’t feel guilty for doing it because there is nobody else that I have to worry about. I don’t have to make a phone call or carve time out for anybody but myself and my kids and that feels great.
Knowing this and spending the time thinking about it raises questions. Will “the one” still cause that sense of chaos and obligation in my life? Have I felt that way in the past because I have been with the wrong men? Is this something in me that I cause and a pressure that I put on myself? What do I need to do to get to a place where I can manage the things in life that need to be done as well as enjoy another person? Are these some of the things God is trying to teach me? I don’t believe that I am called to be single for the rest of my life, but it is definitely going to take a tailor made man for things to work out. I have faith that God is preparing that man, but even knowing that, I find myself curious as to what that will look like. Will he be a workaholic like I am? Will that be the recipe to a successful marriage for the two of us? Will “the one” be someone who I can work with and manage life with and not have to stop working when I get home because he too will be working and will totally get it? Will “the one” enjoy a constant full schedule and find joy in having very little free time? Today, I feel like that is what it will be like and that a man like that is the only man who will work for me.
When I say work, I am not referring to a 9-5 job and then coming home and working more on that 9-5 job. I am referring to work as something that we are passionate about, household work, school work, bible studies and whatever else you can name. I enjoy my full life. I enjoy “working” constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I get tired and need to take a break, but I am motivated by doing things and by “working” towards things that I believe in. I don’t want to be still. I want to make a difference. I want to leave a large footprint when I leave this earth. I want to move mountains and be used by God in many ways. Today I do not feel like I was created and put on this earth to sit idly by and let life happen around me. I was created for greatness and I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I can rest when I die.
Will I meet a man who feels the same and will we work together to create great things or will I learn to balance life like so many others do?