My heart aches…

This is not easy, this quest I mean. If I had remained of the mind frame that it is going to take dating lots of people or just dating to find my husband, this would not be so hard. Learning that God’s plan for me is different than that and so much greater is where the challenge comes in. You see, my flesh desires something different than what God’s current plan for me is… I think…no, I know. God wants the best for me and what my flesh wants is not God’s best today. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be someday, just for now that isn’t the case.

Even   though I know that God is good and would never ask me to pass by something that would be the best for me, I still find myself asking why. Why in the world would I have these feelings? Why does my heart ache for this person and why do I feel the way that I do?

~~~ I am going to bed. I need to see if I am still feeling the ache in the morning that I am feeling now~~~

It has been 24 hours since I started this post. I am not sure why I felt that I needed to step away. I knew it wasn’t going to change. This is not a new thing, it is just something I keep repressing. I try to push it out and away. I know that this can’t be God’s plan for me. I know that I want and need a man who is strong in the Lord. I know that I need someone who can be the Godly leader in our home and help me raise some powerful men of God. I have absolutely no doubt about that. Knowing that does not make the ache go away or the desire to dream about a life with this person disappear. I struggle with why God does not remove this feeling from me. I ask him to, but I guess my flesh isn’t ready to dismiss this yet or something because it is there and it gets in the way. My mind wanders. I have imagined our wedding and our life a hundred times over in a hundred different ways. My mind wanders constantly and I try to reign it in, but I am not always successful.

I have dated other people and I got pretty close with Nameless who is an incredible man. I have managed from time to time to convince myself that this was a crazy school girl crush and that it would go away. I have told myself that I am just into him because I can’t have him and because he really does not appear to be super into me or he would have made the effort to be with me by now. I have tried not being around this person for a length of time, but none of it really changes anything. In the back of my head, I still go there. I still wonder. I still imagine that some day I will know what it will be like to be with him. I am not sure if being with him will ever be something that I will know. I guess that depends on him, but I do know that I feel like such a girl with such girly feelings. There is nothing practical about how I think on this one. If I were able to be practical about it, I am sure that I would be able to dismiss the feelings because they just don’t make any sense at all.

My prayer is that I won’t miss out on the beauty of God’s great plan for my life by getting distracted with the wrong plan. I pray that I keep my eye on the Lord and that I don’t veer from the path that leads me to the Lord. I pray that I am an example of what walking with the Lord is like and that I remember that being perfect isn’t what is important but how I recover from the stumbles. I am asking that God take this desire away from me for either forever or until this person is a man sold out for the Lord. I am boldly asking for his provision and  that I will know without question when my husband is standing in front of me. I am also boldly asking that God will reveal who my husband is and if it is the man that my heart so strongly desires, I ask for patience to wait until He is sold out. I do not want to stumble and have to fight for joy and happiness ever again. I just want to do it the way that God knows is the best for me.


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