Wow, what a day! I feel completely defeated and worn down today. You know those days that nothing incredibly significant happens, but there are so many little things that you just feel so overwhelmed that you are mentally and emotionally exhausted? Today was that. I just felt like I could not get my footing today.
The day started out with a scorpion. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I do not do bugs. I don’t want them! I don’t like them! I don’t live in homes with them! They are not a part of my life and I would like to keep it that way. I will always find a way to pay for pest control even if it kills me. Having to kill this thing was not a problem in the moment, but the results afterwards were embarrassing. Somehow I managed to remain calm, but after I picked up the dead scorpion that I had killed with a shoe and dumped it in the bathroom, I found myself crying. Just eyes welling up with tears and a small amount of crying, but crying none the less and it lasted all day. At any given point today, if one thing would have been said wrong, I would have cried. This morning, all I could think was why! Why do I have to do this alone? Why am I the one killing the scorpions? Why am I the one that has to carry 100% of the burden all of the time? Why??? I just don’t want to do it! How in the world am I going to pay all of the bills? How am I going to eat this week? Who is going to kill the next scorpion? More importantly, why do I have scorpions? I have lived here for 3 years and I have not had one! What in the world is going on???
One of the ladies that I work with absolutely does not like me and I just don’t get it. I am not generally a person that people do not like so I am confused by this. I also am not a very dramtic person in the way of people. I certainly have a dramatic side, but it is more in the way of exaggeration of feelings or events and I am funny about it. A lot of times I do it on purpose. I am not dramatic with people though. I do my best to not involve myself in that kind of drama. If I am not really feeling like being friendly with someone, I just stay away from them. If I have to be near them, then I am nice, but I don’t engage in much conversation, so when someone brings drama into my life in that way, I don’t really know how to deal with it and this time around I find myself taking it a little personal. I didn’t do anything and I don’t know why I am so disliked. It is bugging me. Kind of eating away at me emotionally.
Then tonight I am at the mobile food court enjoying my night when I get a phone call that is altering my life significantly (I can’t mention what it is just yet since the other people involved don’t know), but this new really is not good news and it is at the most inconvenient time. After I hung up, again I thought… why? Why in the world am I doing life alone? I know that having a husband does not fix everything and honestly, the scorpion issue this morning I would have had to deal with anyway because most likely if I had a husband he would be at work, but I still wish that there had been someone to call and freak out to. I ended up calling my ex husband and asking him what he uses at his house and then crying while talking to him which just annoyed me even more. Then this phone call…thank goodness that I had a friend there who was so kind and generous, but it would have been so good to have my person there to call or even to just come home to and fall into his arms and have him say nothing. I just need a hug. Like a real one. One that I just feel the strength and the love behind it because today I feel alone and defeated.
I am surrounded by loving friends and they are beautiful, gracious, kind and caring. They are here to listen to me and pray with me. I am truly blessed and I really am not alone as far as friends are concerned. I am just craving the warmth of my husband, whoever he is. I am craving the security of being wrapped in my husbands arms and knowing that he is in this with me. I am truly desiring the day that I have my best friend to come home to so that I can just enjoy him however that is at that moment. I don’t need a lot or want a lot. I just really really really want to know that I have someone in my corner rooting for me and supporting me and I want to be able to go to bed with that person every night and wake up to them every morning for the rest of my life.
I miss my husband even though I have no idea who he is….