Life is an interesting thing. I have so often felt like I have had to have my everything in perfect order to have the opportunity to find my perfect mate and to be used in a mighty way for God. I now know that is not true. My idea of everything in perfect order and God’s idea are two different things and it is not my place to tell Him what is perfect. That is hard for me, but I am getting there.
I find myself in a place that feels good but when I really think about it and think from an outside perspective, it is kind of not. The world places such value on status and on things and it is understandable how we all can get caught up in that. The truth is that I have a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear. I have kids that I love to the moon and back. I am totally blessed. Some don’t even have that.
My heart longs to be doing something of value. I want to be able to volunteer my time and have the opportunity to do nothing but serve the Lord, be the best mom ever and the best friend ever. How do I do that? I find myself praying more specifically than I ever have. The problem is that I feel guilty for it and in some small way, I have a shred of doubt that what I want can really happen. I am working on having complete faith with no question or doubt. It is hard though. It is hard because it goes back to my idea of perfect and God’s idea of perfect. If I could stop having tunnel vision and have God vision, I am sure that my faith would look different.
I am only human and I know that I will never be perfect. I also know that no matter how perfect things appear on the outside, God can see the inside. I can’t hide from him, so I have given up appearances. They only cause confusion. My prayer is that God will provide a sustainable income that will take care of my basic needs and a little more while still awarding me the time to serve others, be a fabulous mom and the best friend friend that I can be. I want to continue to help out in my kids school. I want to pick them up right after school and I don’t want to miss out on the things that they want to do. I want to be able to get them into sports and hopefully into a private school next year. That is my prayer. My husband will come in Gods timing, but for now this is what I pray for.
I know that God has big plans for my life and I am confident that 2013 is going to be amazing. I have seen great things in the first 17 days of the year. I am excited to see how I grow and how he works.