Wow, what a roller coaster of a day. I started my new part time job this morning which brought on a wave of emotions and feelings that I could not have anticipated. I did not realize just how significant this move was for me. First of all, I am only working 10 hours a week and it is at a bank, so really there is nothing to complain about. If I can’t handle 10 hours, that is a problem, but it isn’t about the time there. I have so appreciated and enjoyed the last 6 months. I have been doing something that brings such joy to me and something that I can’t help but to be happy doing. It fills so much of what fuels me and I really value the people that I am around, but what really makes it so wonderful is the flexibility to be a mom. I have the opportunity to “work” which I love and to be a mom which is where my heart is. I am able to help in one of my sons classrooms, I can take the kids to school every morning, I can pick them up from school, I can bring them with me to “work” if I have to, and you just can’t put a price on that.
Over the last 6 months, it has become abundantly clear that I want to be a mom and I want to do something of value. I have said this for a while, but I have actually been able to live that recently. It is amazing just how at peace and in love with every one of my days that I have been. There have been some rough ones, but nothing that has made me question where I am at.
This journey, my walk with God, is so interesting. I sat there tonight at a meeting and all I could think was this is not what life is about! What was it about the corporate world that was so appealing before? There is so much more for my future than this. I want to be working with people in a different capacity. I want to be serving God. I want to be a mom. I want to have the opportunity to volunteer at a food bank, homeless shelter, orphanage, child crisis center or something like that. I want to start my own non profit. I want to do real work! Work that at the end of a long hard day I can say that I made a difference. Even if it was only in the life of one person.
I have no question that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but I am ready. Ready to move on and be used in a powerful way. I know that where I have been for the last 6 months is where I will be for a long time if not forever, but the bank… I am hoping that this is a short chapter in my life. Something about it just does not feel right. I will show up my 10 hours and give it 100% of my focus when I am there, but I will be waiting for God’s cue for me to leave. I will look for the opportunity that he has for me there, but I will also be on the lookout for the exit sign. 🙂
I will continue to pray that I am only taking the steps that God wants me to take and I will continue to pray that I will meet my husband. I really hope that it is soon. I am not rushing marriage, I just want to know who he is.
I will love and hug on my kids daily. I will appreciate each moment that I get with them and I will soak up the moments. I will be intentional in my steps and choices as a mom and I will continue to repair the relationship with my oldest. I am blessed in so many ways, and I do not ever want to forget that. I absolutely do not want to be at the bank for some unknown reason, but I will choose to see it as an opportunity to trust in God and look for the opportunities that He places in front of me.
This verse was posted on facebook today and I think it is appropriate for my day:
Psalm 86:11 – Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.