I am in love…I just don’t know who this person I am in love with is. I will say this though, my mind sure knows how to run wild. I marry my husband every day. We go on trips and we live life together. Sound a little crazy? Maybe, but it’s true. I have fun imagining the future and thinking about how things could be. It is kind of fun.
Although I am allowing my thoughts to run wild, I am spending more time with Jesus and talking to him a lot more in my head too. I am learning how to let Jesus be my husband. He is the perfect husband. Truly accepting Jesus as my husband is a daily and sometimes every second decision. and one that I certainly am not perfect with yet. I should be because Jesus has got my back in a serious way. I am constantly in awe of the way that he intercedes, protects and provides for me. He is my constant.
Ugh, tonight I find myself in a state of unrest and anxiousness and it is making it hard to focus. I cannot quite put my finger on the source of this, but I can guarantee that as soon as my kids are asleep I am going to bask in the glory of the almighty. I am going to seek him out and get comfort from him. I am going to ask him to reveal the junk that may be in my heart or the thing that I need to do or the confession that I need to make in order to be right with him. It is driving me nuts to feel this way.
On another off the wall, random but possibly contributing note, I am not sure why I still choose to default to the darkness of my ways prior to my choice to really live for Jesus. I never stay in that place long, but sometimes I find myself revisiting it. For example, entertaining the flattery of a man who is not living his life for Jesus. I know there is no way that there will ever be anything concrete and I know it is playing with fire. In my head I am telling myself what not to do and knowing that it is not worth entertaining, but it is like I am stuck looking in the window and can’t do anything about it. It is almost like someone else or something else is controlling me in that moment. This does not happen often, but it happens. (I am just being transparent here). When I find myself in these moments, I get so disappointed in myself because inevitably it is because I chose sleep over my date with Jesus. I am incredibly peaceful and joyful and it is as if there is a shield around me when I start my day off with Him. It is as if the darkness cannot penetrate my life. The opportunities are not even there or if they are I hardly notice. Now that is not to say that I am free from trial, I am just suited up with armor and it is not the same prison like head game that I have when I have not invited Jesus and his army to walk with me that day.
I need Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on him. I am content with who I am, but I want to meet my husband. I want to find a man who truly loves Jesus and truly is capable of being the leader of a family. I want to meet the man who will take care of my car stuff and talk out these moments like tonight where I am just feeling so anxious. I want to meet the man who will pray with me and for me. I want to start that chapter of my life. I really was a great wife and I am a great mom. Although my marriage was a mess, I really felt being a wife and a mom was my thing. There are so many things that I would do differently if I knew then what I know now and I know without question that I will be a far better wife when I have an opportunity to live that again.
Alright, I know this post has been all over the place, but it is reflective of how I feel tonight. To add to the randomness of tonights post here is a video that made me laugh a little.