The dating game

Ahhhh…. The quiet of the morning. I love the feel of the morning before anyone is up including the sun. It is so fresh and quiet and feels just so good. Time for reflection and a time to gear up for the day. It has been a long time since I have been up this early and right now I am wondering why I have been resisting it so much. I need to do more of this. 🙂

Last night, I went to dinner by myself. I wanted to go with my sister, but she was not feeling well so instead of forgetting the idea, I went anyway. I am no stranger to solo meals and time by myself. In fact I really enjoy it. The time by myself recharges me. I spent time with Jesus and worked on my Purple Book which is a study I am doing with my church. It was great. I found myself so lost in the study that when I finished and started observing things around me, I was surprised to see all of the new faces. All of the tables had turned over in that time.

I took the time to watch people. There was a single guy sitting at the bar by himself looking a little uncomfortable and out of place. There was a family of 3 looking like they didn’t really know what to talk about. There was a group of 4 behind me who,were a hoot. They were laughing and talking and really enjoying themselves, and there was a table of 6 kids who looked like they were probably in high school who were kind of quiet, but they looked like they were having a good time and then there were two couples at the bar. Couples, now that is what I found to be interesting. One couple seemed like they had been together since the beginning of time. They were comfortable with each other. They talked comfortably, laughed a little and really seemed to enjoy themselves. The other couple looked like they might be on a second or third date. This was the one that interested me. They got me thinking. He was eating and paying attention to the TV, he would talk to the girl he was with but he never turned to look at her when he spoke. She was staring at him adoringly and laughing at what he would say. Sometimes her laugh was a little too loud and a little to forced. She couldn’t get her eyes off of him and she did not seem to be the least bit bothered by the fact that she was staring at the side of his face as he stared at the TV. He finished eating asked for the check and said let’s go. She bounced off of her chair all smiles and walked out (behind him) with a spring in her step.

Watching this woman got me thinking about a blog post by Michelle Kennedy that I read ( In this post, Michelle is trying out online dating and she goes to coffee with a guy who she refers to as poindexter. He ends the date after 25 minutes and leaves Michelle perplexed as to why. She ends up questioning herself and what was wrong with her. Did she not look good enough, did she say something wrong? Eventually she comes to the conclusion that it is not about her. She cannot control how someone else perceives her. The woman sitting at the bar looking adoringly at the man that had no interest in her is going to get her  heart broken. She is so obviously into this man, or so she thinks, but why? Does she know why? Because he clearly is not into her.

We do this to ourselves as women. I am a confident woman and I have found myself doing it countless times and then becoming so heartbroken when things don’t work out. Eventually I always realize that I didn’t really like the person as much as I thought I did, but at the time…

How often do we ask ourselves what we like about the person? Do we like them because they are giving us attention? Do we like them  because they are taking us out? Do we like them because it may be an end to our singleness? Does it make us feel whole? Uplifted? Give us something to look forward to?

At some point we have to begin to love and value ourselves. When going into a dating environment, we have to be confident and ask ourselves the questions differently than we have in the past. Do I like him (not does he like me)? What do I like about him, what do we have in common? What qualities about him are the qualities that I am looking for? Am I settling because I want to be with someone? Is this person a distraction so that I have something to do or is this something of value? We have been trained to ask if he likes me and what he likes about me? What can I do to make him like me or to make him feel liked. Even when we know that we are not interested, a lot of times we still get sucked into this game and begin to question ourselves. I have found myself doing it with distraction. I know that I know that I know that there is not interest or future there. Yet, I still do little things and I still entertain the conversations and then when I don’t hear from him, I get that small little feeling of what is wrong with me? Then I kick myself in the butt and remind myself to get back to reality. There is nothing wrong with me. It isn’t about me. I don’t want this thing to work out any more than he wants this thing to work out. It is a distraction for both of us for different reasons. 

Relationships are not easy. Finding a person is not easy. Men are not bad and women are not bad but there are bad men and women out there. Not everyone is going to hit it off and it shouldn’t be something that bruises our ego. We should see it for what it is and recognize that not everyone is meant to be our perfect partner and move on.

I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for me to find my perfect mate. He is out there and we will find each other when the time is right.


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