There are moments that I am just in awe of God’s love for me. He is so incredible and he shows me a million times just how much I mean to him. Over the years I did not understand what love meant. Like true unconditional love. Did you realize, because I didn’t, that unconditional love is just that. It is UNCONDITIONAL!!! No matter what I do good or bad, Jesus loves me! What an awesome thing! I want to love like that. Do you know what else is awesome? We do not have to have it all together before he loves us unconditionally. He totally loves and accepts us for who we are and where we are today. The awesome thing about that is that all we have to do is come to him and say “Here I am. I surrender my life to you. Do with me what you want” He does the rest. Our job is to press into him. Read our bible, listen to sermons, fellowship with other believers, what ever we can to learn about and strengthen our relationship with Jesus.
I am so excited and on fire tonight. Today was a huge milestone in my walk with Jesus. When I think back on my life, it is unreal that I am who I am today. I am a new creation in Christ and it didn’t happen over night. I am not perfect and I will probably stumble along the way, but when I do, I will repent, pray and move on.
At one time my life was a mess! I lived for me. I lived in this world and experienced the emptiness of that life. I drank. partied, slept around. I did it all. I mean even 2 years ago, I found myself in one of the darkest places. On the outside, I kind of had it together, but I was playing with fire, living for the moment and not thinking about the repercussions of my choices. It was fun, until it wasn’t. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was hopeless and lost. I felt like life would never be easy and that I would always experience heartache and trials. The guy that had been seeing for 6 months and fell hard for told me that he was married and his wife was moving here from where she was at (that about killed me since my ex-husband had been unfaithful and now here I was, the other woman), my job was so stressful and miserable that I had become physically sick. My body was doing things that I could not explain. My mom told me that I was taxing and too stressful to talk to, and the list goes on. It was yucky. One day, I was at a women’s event at the church that I was attending and there was a panel of women speaking. One of the women was telling her testimony and I swear she was talking directly to me. I went and spoke with her after the event and she was so incredible. She invited me to a bible study and over time was a blessing. She was harsh at times and called me out on my excuses. She introduced me to one of her friends who originally was pouring into my daughters life, but eventually began to minister to me as well. These two women quickly became two of my closest friends. I absolutely adore and value these women. They were there for me, they let me cry, they were honest and direct with me. They never gave up on me or let go of me, they stuck by me and encouraged me. They lifted me up when I was to weak to do so myself. I would not be where I am today if God had not put these women in my life. I am a new creation.
Tonight, I had the opportunity to lead our bible study. Two years ago if you had told me that I would one day lead a bible study I would have laughed hysterically and then I would have had you committed. With my history? Are you kidding me? Who am I to lead others? I have a rap sheet a mile long and there is no way I would have believed that God would ever trust me to be in the position to talk to other people about him. I mean really? How can you tell other people about Jesus and have them see any value in it with a history like mine? That was the lie that the enemy wanted me to believe. God not only loves me unconditionally, but he sent his son to die for MY sins. OH MY GOSH!!! How incredible. I am forgiven. I am a new creation. My past is a testimony and my past is exactly what gives me the credentials to lead others to him. I am perfect to him. I can relate to other people. I can encourage those who think that they will never be able to live a joyful life. I have no reason to be joyful if I stay in the yuck of my past. I don’t have to stay there though and that is beautiful.
I don’t think that my mom thinks that I am stressful and taxing any longer. I no longer yell at people the entire time I am on the phone with her (yep, I was pretty hot headed). I have grown and she has seen the growth. We have a relationship now. I am not sure that we ever really had a strong relationship in the past. I can say that I love my mom and that I enjoy our conversations and time together even though there are not enough of them.
I have changed for the better. I am still growing and I am sure I always will be, but I understand God’s love for me now and I see and feel it every day. He takes care of me and provides for me. He gives me a sunrise and a sunset every day. He loves me and I know it. It is so awesome to be loved and to know that with all that I have done in the past, he doesn’t see any of that. He only see’s the woman that I am in him.