I am hopeful… well, I haven’t been. Actually, if I were being completely transparent, I would tell you that I have been feeling down. I choose not to live in that and live with positive actions to overpower the moments of weight that I have no place carrying, but honestly I am just tired. I am so tired of the fight. Even though I am tired I keep fighting because as I have learned, the enemy doesn’t take a break so I can’t either, but it has been hard lately. Not hard like depression or daily weight, but hard like I can’t come up for air. I am financially tapped out with all of the unexpected “stuff” of the last month, my daughter had a baby which is wonderful and I am so proud of her, but wow there have been some emotions that have come with that, I have a person from my past who will be here in a week and that is forcing me to have to mentally go back to a place that I have shoved down for years, I am adjusting to the new schedule of school and balancing that with life, God is pulling out some roots that I have been trying to resist and I am just tired. Tired of going. I want a break and I want a breakthrough.
(((Wow that started out depressing)))
So, with all of the “stuff” that I am feeling, I have had such a motivational and uplifting weekend. I was on my way to a training on Saturday morning and I was crying out to God. I was expressing my frustration and exhaustion with the last month of life. I was telling Him that I know I have been pushing Him aside a little bit because I was tired and I had so much on my plate and in a way, I have been mad at God. Here I have answered His call. I did what He asked me to do even though there was much uncertainty with it. I have been obedient and faithful. I have been a servant. I have given my time and why has He not shown up? He is supposed to be my husband, my provider, my healer, my source of hope and I have been feeling left out in the desert with no water. I told Him that I need a breakthrough and I need Him to help me. I need Him to be my husband. I had a conversation and He told me that He is there. He pointed out some moments (quite a few actually) when there is no question that God showed up. He has been my husband and He has been taking care of me. He reminded me of some areas where I have not been faithful and asked me to make those areas a priority. I heard what He said, but I walked into that training with a desperation and desire to be given any kind of hope and belief that I am about to be on an upswing.
I was so inspired. I was given the hope that I needed and had not to long ago. I was encouraged and uplifted. I saw my purpose and had the fire in me reignited. I was created to do great things. I have been created to go out and make a difference. I do make a difference in the lives of others, but sometimes I don’t get to see that. I will continue to change lives by letting God be my center and work through me. I know that a new chapter is beginning and I am not going to lose sight of my goal. I will be speaking to women. I will pave the way for single parents to get out of the box. I will help those who find themselves desperate for change. I will be used by God to touch many lives and I needed to be reminded of that. My purpose is not about me at all. If my purpose was about me or about the things of this world, then I would live in the hopeless exhaustion that I began to feel. I am so grateful that my purpose is not up to me but held by someone far greater than I am. I am filled with renewed hope that gives me the peace to go to bed tonight and know that everything is going to work out for His glory and that I will not be left behind. His purpose will be fulfilled even if I take a wrong turn because of His grace.
As I was thinking about all of this and equating it to my quest, I suddenly imagined myself laughing and dancing with Jesus. I had a moment where I was frustrated with Him and felt safe enough to tell Him about it. I knew that I could tell him exactly how I felt and how I felt let down and he would not turn His back on me, and He didn’t. In fact, he did the opposite. He embraced me and spent the entire weekend using other people to motivate me. He used them to speak to me and reaffirm what I thought I heard him tell me in our quiet time. As I learn to trust Him, talk to Him, share my joys and my frustrations with Him, share my dreams with Him, I am being prepared to be a wife to an earthly husband. I want to be married. I want to meet my earthly husband, but I am not quite done falling in love with Jesus. I am not ready to let someone else pursue me when I haven’t let Jesus fully pursue me. The rest of this year is dedicated to falling completely in love with Jesus. I am going out with a bang. Jesus and I are going to get dirty and pull out all of the roots that keep me from completely falling in love. There is some stuff that needs to be worked through and the next 4 months is the time to do it.