((Emotions)) They come out of nowhere. They creep up like a thief in the night. They show up and attack me without any warning at all. It is not something that I am comfortable with or that I want to deal with. I am feeling so many different things tonight. I am a strong woman and I don’t let much get me down. I am not a needy person and most of the time I am comfortable and happy and content single, but there are times like now when I need someone. Tonight I am not content. Tonight I am frustrated that I am alone and feeling alone. I am feeling the why not me feelings. WHY? Why am I not married? Why don’t I have someone or someones pursuing me? What is wrong with me? Am I too independent? Am I not wife material? Am I always going to be the one that should have been? Why is it that a man feels that he has the right to come to me after he is married and unhappy and tell me that he made a mistake and should have never denied his love for me like it is going to make a difference now? What good does that do? You are married dude and just because I am single and you are unhappy doesn’t mean that you get to creep up in my life when I am feeling vulnerable and emotional and profess your love for me. It isn’t right. My heart hurts deeply and not because of some counterfeit from Check in County. I have some real stuff going on and I am surprised by the emotion it is causing inside of me.
I am mad. I am feeling alone and left to fight the great fight on my own like I often have felt in the past. For the first time in my life I have the most amazing friends, an awesome support group, the best church family that I could ever hope for, I am overflowing with people who love me and somehow, I feel ALONE! For some reason, I can’t find a way to lean on them for support or to say that I am hurting. I continuously cover it up because for some reason I feel like if I actually say that I am hurting that means that I don’t trust God to take care of it. I feel like I am letting others down or stunting their growth in their faith by admitting that I am not okay. Guess what, I am not okay today. I am hurting! I do trust God and I do believe. I know that He is right here beside me and when I need to get up and walk, He is carrying me. I know that He is allowing me to go through these emotional pains to grow stronger and become healthier. I know that He is pulling out roots in me to heal me and that this is necessary for me to be able to minister to others. I know that I was created for such a time as this and although I absolutely run from any kind of emotion I am embracing this moment the best way that I know how because I am excited to see what God is going to do. I am excited to see what the next chapter of my life will look like and I am glad that this “secret” is starting to be exposed. I am glad because it means that God is working in me and that there will be breakthrough and great things to follow, but wow! I struggle with vulnerability. I struggle with not being in control and not having the ability to sit in the drivers seat. This is an uncomfortable feeling for sure.
15 years ago, I sat in my room crying. I had something taken from me that was not someones to take. It created an anger in me that took years to let go of. My walls, that were already pretty high, began to be built higher. I was cold and calloused. I began to see people as objects to be played with. I didn’t care about how I made others feel because I was hurting and angry, so if I ruined their day or made them feel bad that was fine with me. Misery loves company right? Over the years, I changed my game quite a bit. I became more calculated and less obvious with my hurt. I wasn’t as openly harmful of others. I had seasons of seeking God and living under the law trying to follow all of the rules and be a good Christian girl, but like always it was too hard. In my own strength it was impossible to be good and do right. So, eventually I would mess up and I would try to go back to being a good christian but then I would mess up again and at some point I would decide that I had messed so much that trying to be the good christian was useless, so I would go back to my self soothing ways. That self soothing was actually self destructive. I was hurting myself over and over and stuffing that hurt down deeper and deeper. I became harder and harder and lost any emotion that I was created to have. At some point over the last few years, I decided that those walls needed to be broken down. I started to truly seek God and beg for him to knock them down. I told him that I just wanted to feel again. I wanted to feel love and joy. I wanted to be sympathetic, kind, gentle and loving to others. I wanted to be a human being again. What I didn’t know was that not having walls and having a heart that is not made of stone hurts. It can hurt a lot, but thankfully Jesus is so wonderful and full of grace so He only pulls out and reveals a little at a time. Over the years, he has pulled some roots out and revealed hurt to me. Slowly the things I stuffed have come to the surface, but there have been seasons of rest as well. He is a gentleman and He does not give me more than I can handle. I have cried out to God and told him that I want to be married. I want to serve Him. I want to start my life the way that He wants my life to be. I want to fulfill my purpose, and in order to do that, work needs to be done. God is kneading my heart making it tender and open to love. He is grooming me for the plans that He has for me and knowing that softens the blow.
I hate that I am sitting in my room feeling alone. I hate that I do not have my person to talk this out with. I hate that I am going to meet someone that I have never met but is such an important part of my life tomorrow and I have to do it alone and then come home and process it alone. I hate that I am going through this part of my life single and I don’t have free reign to deal with it as it comes because there is still life to be had. I still have kids that need me and I can’t ask my husband to take over for me because I don’t have one. I can’t say that I am hurting and need some time so can he please put the kids to bed and stand in for me. I have to do it. I have to do it all. I still have to make lunch, iron clothes, get school stuff together and on and on and on. I don’t have a choice because it is just me. I don’t have anyone else to carry the load and tonight, I am feeling some type of way about that. Being a single mom is not an easy job. There are parts that are easy or less complicated, but it is hard work. It is lonely at times and tonight I am just not feeling any of it. Tonight I am screaming out to God that I WANT TO MEET MY HUSBAND!!! I just do. That is the raw honest truth. I do not want to wake up tomorrow without an earthly husband and do the day that I have to do. I am scared and so not ready to walk this out. I am just not and it is not that I don’t trust God and it is not that Jesus isn’t the best husband in the world, but right now I just need to feel the comfort of some strong arms around me I need a husband who will tell me that he loves me and that we will go through this together and that it will all be okay. Tonight that is what I feel that I need.
Tomorrow, I might wake up and feel different, but for tonight I am just going to be transparent, raw, and real. Tonight I am going to continue to cry out to my creator and ask him to show up in a real way and hold my hand tomorrow and throughout the weekend. I am going to try to be vulnerable with a couple of amazing people in my life and ask them to stand in prayer with me. God is good and there is nothing that is done without reason. I am going to hold onto that truth and I am going to hold onto the promises that he gives me. I am his child. I am a princess. I am a royal heir. I am loved and cherished. I am perfect in His sight. I am not alone. I will be married someday. He is good and wants to bless me, I just have to accept his grace and love. I can do this because He tells me that I can. I will wait for the Lord to renew my strenghth, I will mount up with wings like eagles, I will run and not be weary, I will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
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