It feels good to feel good!
It feels good to realize that I am not who I used to be. I am confident in who I am and I don’t feel the need to be anything except me…finally. This may be how many feel and this may not make sense to some, but every now and again, I find myself in situations, do overs as I am coming to think of them, where in the past I would have been uncomfortable in my skin. I may have felt that I needed to think about what I was going to say in the event that the person I was with might think less of me or maybe I would manipulate the situation to continue in a way that would be “safe” for me and not expose who I really am, or I just couldn’t enjoy any of the time because in the back of my mind I was convinced that I needed to be something else in order to be accepted. Of course I still have uncomfortable moments where my insecurities of the past begin to creep in, but they don’t stay as long as they used to and that, my friends, is AMAZING!!!!
Today I spent time with someone from my old life. Okay, maybe not old life, but my married life. This person I have never completely been able to be myself with for fear of criticism. I want to be liked by this person. That is just the truth. It is the second time in the last couple of months that I have spent time with someone from that part of my life and both times I walked away and realized that I wasn’t walking away breathing a sigh of relief like I used to do. It is hard work being on guard all of the time and trying to be the person you think someone wants you to be! These last two encounters, without even knowing or realizing it, I was 100% me! No pretenses. No alter ego. No exceptions. It wasn’t an effort or something I even thought about. I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t thinking about anything except being in the moment until I left … and that is awesome!
I always thought that being yourself just happened when you got out of high school. Suddenly, you didn’t have these insecurities and you were just comfortable in your own skin, but sadly that is not the case. I am probably in the least prestigious stage of my life. It is laughable almost. I mean, seriously, I used to be in the corporate world. You know, the one where I was proud to say what I did and totally proud to say that I worked insane hours and was wildly successful. I was a rock star in business at one time. I was going to rule the world. Really, I thought that was true. Ha ha ha, I am definitely not living glamorous now. No corporate over worked life for me. Hey, I don’t even have a 40 hour a week job or money in the savings account. I am lucky if I have any in the checking account and you can count out the possibility of anything in my wallet. It is far from where I thought my life would be and far from what I would have thought I needed to be confident in who and am and trust me, I cannot wait for this season to pass, but I am also more comfortable with myself than I have ever been in my life. God has done so much in me over this last year and it has been hard. I do not like it. It is not comfortable. I would never have asked for it, but… I am so glad that I am walking through it. To be able to walk away today and feel happy, excited, comfortable and so overjoyed about a full day of laughter, play and fun with my kids and someone who I used to try to impress is absolutely wonderful. I have grown so much and if I had to be squeezed to get here, then I accept! I am all in.
I am ready for the pressing to be over. I am ready to be on with the next chapter of my life. I am ready for God to swoop down and rescue me from where I am at today, but if that is not a part of the plan then I know there is still some growing to do and I will persevere. I will know that more work is to be done and all of the pressing is necessary to get me where I need to go. I see things happening and to see growth in myself is pretty cool. To know that I am headed down the path to my destiny is the best feeling ever!
This time next year, I will still be totally confident in who I am. I will still be comfortable in my skin. I will be able to look back at this season of part time, non prestigious job having life as a wonderful time because it is allowing me to be a mom to my kids and it is allowing me to trust completely in my maker and watch Him move in the most amazing ways. I will be in a different season because I am not resisting the refining that is being done. I pray that never changes!