Today I am sad… and mad… and blessed… and happy…
I am a wide range of emotions today. I am sad because I am not with my family in California as they are all taking time out of their days to get together and spend time with my grandmother who appears to be on borrowed time. I love her so very much and I have so many memories of growing up with her in it. She is my grandma and she loves me like nobody else does, you know in that grandma way. She is mischievous and I love that. She really is the most wonderful grandma and I can remember her like that, because that is how she was when I last saw her. I am conflicted with feeling guilty for not being there in the last days and being grateful that I am not there to see her different than the vibrant, mischievous, giggly grandma that I know. So I am sad.
I am mad because I am walking out yet another emotional moment alone. I have friends and my family is great, but when the sun goes down, I am by myself. I am laying in bed writing this and I am by myself. I don’t even have a prospect of someone to call and have a conversation with. I don’t have a prospect of someone that I can at least hold on to the comfort that someday soon I won’t have to walk out all of this stuff alone. It feels impossible. It feels like I will walk through every tragic moment ALONE, and I am so mad that I feel that way right now. I am not desperate for someone, but I almost wish I was because then I could call upon a few people to at least stand in for a minute. I am tired of doing this by myself and if I hear one more person tell me that I am strong and I can do this, I may just break down in front of them to prove them wrong. I am tired of being strong. I don’t want to be any more. I want to be able to be weak for just a minute and have someone wrap their arm around me and tell me that it is okay to cry. I want someone to tell me that I can go to California and take my rightful place with my family and they will hold down the fort while I am gone. They will take the kids to school and that when the time comes they will bring the kids to California and be by my side. I really really really don’t want to do this by myself. I have been through much. I have experienced loss. I watched my step dad and my grandfather die. My kid had a kid, my brother went through some pretty rough stuff with my nephew. My son’s dog died. And through all of it I have been on my own. I have to be the strong one. When does someone come along and be strong for me? When is it my turn?
I know I am blessed. I have some pretty awesome friends. My kids are better than I could ask for. I have a great family. God takes such good care of me. The impossible happens in my life every day. I really shouldn’t be sitting here crying and whining over being single, and I know this, but sometimes even knowing it just doesn’t take the desire away or heal the hurt. My precious son is turning 7 tomorrow and as I was telling him the story of his birth I couldn’t help but laugh and know that I am truly blessed. No matter how messy things are, it is still amazing. My kids existence reminds me of that all of the time.
I am happy that my grandma is going to get to meet Jesus face to face. I can just imagine her in a white dress, youthful and alive. Laughing in her contagious laugh and dancing in the fields. I bet she will be sit at Jesus feet with a twinkle in her eye and a laugh just waiting to escape as she takes in the awesomeness of her surroundings. She will be spending time with her brother and sisters and there will be no more pain. No more tragedy. No more. No more. No more. I am excited for her. What a thought. What a wonderful place to go. It takes the fear out of death. I am excited for my grandma.
Maybe she can put in a personal request. Maybe she will be able to use that twinkle and mischievous glint in her eye to ask Jesus to drop my husband into my life. I truly do not think that I have it in me to go through one more tragedy alone. I don’t want to have to do one more year alone. I don’t want to have one more celebration alone. I just don’t want to be alone any more. I am ready to be a part of a team. I want to do life with someone. I want to make memories and I want to share it all with my husband.
Wherever he is… I am so very excited to meet him. I hope it is soon. As in when I wake up he is knocking on my door. 😉