My date was a nice start to a year hiatus from dating. He was a super nice guy. There will not be a second date, but it was good. There was nothing wrong with him, I just know that he is not right for me. There you have it, the whole story.
Date #2 happens next week. I think him and I have far more in common and he is kind of funny. It will be interesting to see where this one goes.
Okay, so the update is out of the way, and now what is really on my mind! God is SO GOOD!! I just love how He works! I love that he LOVES me!! No matter what I do or how silly I act, he LOVES me! I am his and He is so incredibly generous. I am blessed with my life beyond understanding. Last night I met up with a friend for an hour before meeting my parents to see a movie and in that hour we covered some ground. There were things we needed to talk about and then as usual conversation took it’s own direction. We started to reflect on our journey since we have known each other. Interestingly enough, I had had a similar conversation on Friday with someone else who I have done some of life with. 4 years and 4 months ago my divorce was final. Although it was probably one of the best things for me emotionally in the long run it was hard. I was so broken. There was so much that I did not understand at the time. Now I realize that I entered a marriage as a broken person and I married a broken person so it wasn’t a matter of if it would end, but when would it end. We were both too blind to recognize our brokenness and we unintentionally broke each other down more.
After my divorce, I took some time to heal. I didn’t take enough time because I met Flagstaff. He was broken also and completely emotionally unavailable, but I didn’t see it. What I saw was the likeness. The things we had in common. An equal need for another person to validate our existence and so… I chose to let him into my life. It was a mess! I am not even sure why I thought it was a good idea or why I thought it could ever turn into anything, but we tried to kid ourselves off and on for quite some time. While that one was in a constant stage of confusion, I met someone who turned my life around. He saved me from the person that I had become. He helped me find me again. I found myself laughing, being goofy, vulnerable, enjoying myself and most importantly I found my confidence. I wasn’t walking around in a fog anymore. I was living. I was free. I was expressing myself and I was having the time of my life… or so I thought. What I was really doing was running. I was running from the pain and the rejection that I had experienced my entire life. This man is wonderful. We didn’t stay together because of some life issues on his end, but he will always be dear to my heart and we will be forever friends. I will always be grateful to him for pulling me out of my fog and for helping me rebuild my confidence and reminding me that I am someone worth loving and that I am worth celebrating. The end of our “romantic relationship” was devastating to me. I lost someone who I truly felt that I needed. I was dependent on him for the air that I breathed and I did not realize that until the day that I got the phone call that he was being transferred. Again, my heart was being ripped out of my chest and my brokenness became even more broken. Dear God I NEEDED help!
Somehow through this mess that I had created for myself, I still went to church and I still was kind of involved. It was more of an action and less of a heart thing. I went because I was raised that way, I was losing control of my daughter and I was such a mess that I needed some hope and some support. One night, I was at a women’s event and this woman’s testimony spoke directly to me. It penetrated my heart and I felt like she had lived my life. She knew what I had walked though, but somehow her life looked different than mine. Somehow she had been freed from the brokenness and the rat race of a life that she had been in and that I was still living. I was so emotionally tapped out and I knew that I needed what she had, so I mustered up every ounce of courage that I had and I walked up to her and like a lost little girl I said “Your story touched me. It sounded just like mine. Can we be friends?” … Well let me just say that she was SO gracious. She sat there and talked with me. She did not make me feel like I was silly and she invited me to the single moms group at our church. I had been to the group the previous year and it was not my cup of tea, but if she was a part of it. then I wanted to be there.
This is where my journey to wholeness began. This incredible woman introduced me to her friend who is now one of my all time best friends and this woman made an intentional choice to reach out to my daughter. She got her hands dirty discipling her and loving on her. She would come over to my house and read me the riot act. She was not giving up! She was there until the bitter end. These two women nursed me back to health. They stood by me when I was messier than I have ever been in my life. They chose to stick it out even though it was hard. They gave up countless hours because they believed in me. They knew that God had a plan for my life.
When I think back to what these last 4 years have been like, I am so very impressed with God’s love for me. If it was not for Him strategically placing people in my life I would not be here. I would not be the whole person that I am today. I will never be without something to work on, but God knows exactly when to bring it up. Exactly when I can handle the pruning and exactly when I will be able to heal from a hurt that I did not know that I had.
I am dating. I chose to do this because the desire of my heart is to be a part of a loving Christlike family. I want to be a wife. God put that desire in my heart. I don’t know if this is the way that I will find my husband or if God ever planned for me to put myself out there so that dates can “find me”, but I do know that he directs my path and if this is the wrong one, he will turn it and I will find myself on the right one. I am a new person. I am no longer bound by who I was and I am learning that more and more. Even with this dating thing, I am being shown just who I am and just how much I love Jesus!