I have said it before and I will say it again, I believe in fairy tales. We all have one. They come in different forms and at different times. I believe we experience many fairy tales throughout life and I enjoy every single one of them. I am a princess. That is the truth. I was created for great things and I was created to make a difference. Sometimes life gets in the way and throws things at me that I could never have prepared for, but it makes life beautiful. Through my messiness and through my trials, joys, challenges, victories, shortcomings and strengths I have become who I am today. I am not free from some of the dragons in my life and I hold onto those dragons tight for fear of forgetting where I came from. If I hold onto the dragons and allow them to stay alive in me, I am able to stay in what I know. There is a comfort in living with some of the things that haunt me because I know them. They are my dragons to bear and sometimes it feels like if I let them go I won’t recognize myself any longer. I loathe the dragons. I despise what they have done to me. I hate the places that they have taken me, but I know how to navigate them and there is something about that I don’t know if I want to let go. The dragons are predictable and they will lie in the dark hiding and waiting to attack when I least expect it, but it is comfortable in a twisted sort of way.
I dream of a life without the dragons and I know that I am strong enough to slay them, but I don’t know that I have had the motivation to begin that battle… that is, until tonight. Tonight, I chose to expose the dragons. I chose to share a little bit of the significance of the dragons to the prince. I was able to face a fear that I have not faced before. I took a chance at showing a little bit of that ugliness. The lie is that if the ugliness is revealed, I am going to be rejected. I have believed that lie for years and part of me still does. The lie is that because of the dragons intrusion on my life I am going to be unlovable. I have a playlist that runs through my head. The playlist tells me that I am not good enough, I will never be loved fully, I am scarred and unwanted. I do not deserve the best. I do not deserve complete happiness and the biggest one of all is that I do not deserve the prince. These things run through my head and threaten to take away everything that I long for. They taunt me and dance around me like a wild banshee, they threaten to expose me and to leave me in the dark. I have become a master at pushing this playlist aside and leaving it playing in the background with the dragons, but they are always there lurking in the corners waiting to attack.
Tonight the lie was exposed and a part of the story was told. The prince listened. He was given a glimpse of the dragon and instead of walking away making the lie appear to be the truth, he stayed right where he was and let me talk. He counteracted the lies and responded in a way that I could only have hoped for. I would like to say that I believe with the utmost confidence that it did not change the way he sees me at all and that he still has every intention of making me his princess, but I can’t. I mostly believe it, but the playlist . is getting loud. The dragons are coming to the surface and laughing “you are a fool” they say “How can the prince truly love you?”. It is so loud. What I wouldn’t give to have the power to shut them up. I sit in the dark fighting with the dragons and begging them to stop. I don’t want to hear it. Not tonight.
Tonight I just want to bask in the love that I have for the prince. I have such and admiration for the person that he is. He is strong and protective. He would stop at nothing to shield what he values from harm. He is kind and gentle, but he is not a force to be reckoned with. The prince is more than I dared to imagined. He has eyes that can see deep into my soul. Those eyes are forever etched in my mind. I have a respect for the prince that I never knew I was capable of. I love all of him.
My fairy tale is working itself out. It is my story and a journey that I look forward to fully playing out. When I am with the prince, I see a life that I long for. I feel safe and protected. I feel loved and I have the ability to be me without trying. There is something about this man that makes me want to be better. Something about the way he looks at me gives me the desire to slay these dragons once and for all because I want to be able to accept the fullness of his love. My fairy tale began as I was living my ordinary life. The prince came out of nowhere and began to show me what I already knew that I was missing. I want to rush it all and get to the happily ever after, but at the same time I want to savor each moment. I am living a fairy tale. My fairy tale. One full of everything that I see in the movies and read in the books. There are villains, dragons, townsmen, knights, kings, queens, a white horse, and of course the prince and the princess. I love my fairy tale, because it is mine.
The ending is yet to be written, but when that time comes it will be full of passion, love, joy, camaraderie, trust, faith, truth, hope, and promise.