I will not remain broken


     Something interesting happened to the princess. She discovered that she is not as broken as she once thought she was. Sure there are makeshift bandages on her heart. There are scars and frayed edges, but there has also been a lot of healing that has been taken place. As the princess stared out at the kingdom which signifies her future, with all of its hopes, dreams, and possibilities, she sees her future in a different light. The kingdom is beautiful and she knows that she will be happy there and that she longs to be there with every fiber of her being. Until now, she was running towards it and excited to be doing so. Today something changed. She did not come to a screeching halt, but she did slow down considerably before stopping and looking around. The dark was behind her, the light was in front of her, and the fog was surrounding her. It wasn’t an eerie or uncomfortable fog, but it was most definitely foggy. She wasn’t cold or hot and she wasn’t comfortable or uncomfortable. She just was.

     It was in that moment that the princess realized how much stronger she was than she knew. She stood there and stared at where she wanted to go and suddenly just started to cry. The tears flowed as the fog embraced her. There was an unexplainable comfort in the tears and the fog. It wasn’t dark and it wasn’t hopeless. It was different. Her heart wasn’t broken, but it wasn’t feeling whole either. In fact, her heart hurt, but it didn’t hurt in the kind of irreparable hurt that she had anticipated. It hurt with hope delayed. It hurt with dreams on hold and possibilities just beyond her reach. It wasn’t a place she would choose, but it wasn’t a place where she felt out of place. It was oddly comforting standing in the fog with tears flowing because it was in that moment that she was able to understand the process and hold onto the hope that the process promised. The princess felt with all of her heart that she was standing on the brink of something great and if she could just slow down and enjoy the process, the kingdom could be so much more wonderful. She could rush towards her future and she had no doubt that it would turn out okay. She was just stubborn enough that it would never be less than okay, but okay wasn’t good enough anymore. She wanted amazing. Everything in her life to this point has been an uphill battle full of struggle, fight and necessary strength. The princess could feel the strength draining from her she could feel the weakness against the battles settling in and she knew that she would not be able to fight forever. So, it was with that knowledge that she decided that slow and steady was the right way to go. No more pushing aside the things that hurt her. It was time to accept them as a part of her and let those wounds scar over. It was time to stop running towards the future that she so desperately longed for and embrace the moment she was in, even if she didn’t like that moment. It was time to surrender her strength and allow the king and his army be her strength.

     She wasn’t sure when things got so confused and she wasn’t quite sure when she lost control, but control was lost and now she felt that she needed to allow someone else to take the bull by the horns and direct her path in the areas that she had been holding so tightly to. The princess was displaced and she felt it so strongly. It was okay that she was uncomfortable. For some reason, she just knew that it would be okay. Everything would be pieced together and it would be so much greater than she had the courage to hope for. There was work that was going to need to be done. It was time to begin packing and evicting the things that have taken up residence in her heart. There was no way to know how that was going to happen and honestly, she just didn’t want to know. That was far more than she felt willing to handle at that moment. Dragon slaying was difficult, but this next round she had a sneaking suspicion would be a different kind of difficult. The strong princess sure did not feel strong in that moment. It was okay with her. She was a different person than she used to be. Strong and in control had been her thing in the past. She didn’t need to be that now. She just needed to be. It had been fun exploring the softer side and she wasn’t ready to stop. This princess had transformed significantly over the years, so much so that sometimes she did not recognize herself, but she liked it. It was different. It felt good.


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