I didn’t know that I could walk around with a heart broken in two. I didn’t know that sewing it together with threads of hope and moving forward like nothing had happened would keep it working. I didn’t know that could happen. I didn’t know that the when the walls that I had built began to crumble down, I would feel the leaks that were still in my heart that had been sewn together with those threads of hope. I didn’t know that it would not mend and become one again. I didn’t know how fragile my heart could be or that I could feel it threatening to break apart when hope begins to fade. There is so much unknown. I wonder if my heart can stay together with these thin threads.
I want to hold onto hope and to believe, but events from the past haunt me. I want to believe that things really are different this time and that the outcome will not be the same as days past, but I wonder if I am in a cycle of crazy repeating the same thing over and over again! I close my eyes and I try really hard to will some sort of sign that hope is in the air and that these threads won’t break, but it isn’t there. I cry out for a sign that this time is mine, but I am answered with silence.
HELLO?!?!?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE? ANYONE?
I just want to know if my heart can survive the fade of hope that I once had. I want to know if it will break into a million pieces leaving me hollow and alone or if one day it will beat with the strength that it did, not so long ago. I am pretending to be alright. I paint a smile on my face and I walk around like I am okay, but inside I am slowly dying. Each time the question presents itself, are you okay? I find myself lying and saying yes. I am okay. I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to speak of my heart and my fear that it is going to break for good. I don’t want to admit that I am losing faith and that everything I thought was true was anything but. I am fearful that people will see inside of me as my heart threatens to tell my secrets. I am afraid that it was my fault, that I caused pain and anguish to the one person, the prince, that I have ever truly loved. What if I had just left things alone? What if I did not reply when he called? What if I sat quietly in the fortress until he passed? Would he have stayed away from the forest? If I had not responded, would he have gone back to his palace and found happiness there? Instead, I allowed the prince to find me. I allowed him to enter the forest and now, there are only questions.
I dream all of the time. I believe in fairy tales and I believe in happily ever after. I imagine white and sparkles. I can almost feel the wind blowing through my hair as I walk towards my dreams. If I close my eyes, I can escape to a place that is beautiful and safe. I can find my home and see my life just like it was real, but eventually I have to open my eyes and face reality. I have to accept the taunting in the back of my head that tells me that I will never really have my dream come true. I am not deserving of it. I don’t have my dream because I am not good enough. I never have been and that has been shown to me time and time again. With every rejection it is solidified that I will never truly see those dreams unfold. Sure, I have moments where I can see those dreams coming true and they are so close I can almost touch them, but every time I get close it fades away and I am reminded that I am not worthy. Those are dreams for other people. Other people get to live in a castle. I get to hang out and look at the castle. Other people get to experience the joys and challenges of their dreams. I get to help people grab onto those dreams and then I have the joy of watching them walk it out… on the sidelines. I am a cheerleader, an encourager, a supporter, and that is all that life has to hold for me which really is wonderful as well. I so enjoy watching dreams come true. I wish I believed that mine would.
Sometimes I wonder if I am dreaming the wrong dream and that is why I sit on the sidelines, but the dream doesn’t change. I try to change my dream and believe differently, but I always find myself back at the original dream and then I wonder if maybe I am dreaming the right dream. If it were the right dream though why is it so hard to get to? How do I make how I present myself on the outside reflect on the inside? I look in the mirror and I see a pretty face, a confident woman, a person who is driven and knows what she wants. On the outside, I see a woman who looks the part and appears to be headed in the right direction, but on the inside, well that is a completely different story. On the inside I am a mess. I feel like I could crumble and fall at any moment. I feel like if anyone ever saw inside of me, they would confirm so many of the things planted in my head throughout life. I remember being told that no man would ever love me. I wish I could believe differently, but life has shown me that it is true. The prince, I believe he loves me, but he is lost in the forest somewhere and I am not sure if he will ever make his way out. If he does, I am afraid that he will take one look at me and walk away for good because I answered his call and led him into the forest.
Maybe I just don’t know what love is. Maybe I am loved, but I expect love to be different than it is. I have had people tell me over the years that they love me, and they still seem to show it today, but they have a castle of their own that I am not invited into. It is interesting how the owner of a castle could express love and make me feel even more unlovable at that same time. I am surrounded by people yet I feel like I am on an island of my own. I am in the kingdom, yet I am standing outside of the gates looking in. As I look in, I am reminded by that obnoxious voice that I should just give up hope. What I am looking at is something I will never truly get to live. I am not deserving of that dream.
I give and I give. I give without expecting anything in return because I love to give, but I give to the wrong people because the people I give to take and take and give nothing but pain back. They like to dismiss me and accuse me. I am disposable. I am a vessel to be used but not to be cared for. How am I supposed to reflect what I see on the outside on the inside? How can I believe that the King sees me as worthy? How can I believe that the King wants to give me the desires of my heart when all I get is to sit on the sidelines and watch other people get the desires of their hearts? If I allow hope to fade, my heart will surely break because it is bound together by threads of hope, yet hope becomes more difficult to hold onto with each and every dream that seems to get lost in the shuffle of life.
HELLO?!?!?! IS ANYONE OUT THERE? ANYONE?