So, I can be pretty judgmental and I have really high standards. The positive to that is that my standards for myself are much higher than my standards for others. With that said, vulnerability is hard for me. I am all about other people having feelings. I encourage others who struggle with self worth to see the value in themselves and I don’t really have a problem with their feelings. They are natural. Everybody has them, except for me… I seem to think that my feelings are not valid and I should not feel them. It makes me weak and I think people will like me less if I acknowledge that I have moments of weakness. I like to tell myself that I am strong and worthy and that I have it all together. I never want anyone to see the less than perfect side of me.
I have been trying out different sides. I have become more vulnerable. I have expressed and voiced weaknesses. I have allowed others to see a different side of me. I blog about some of my inner thoughts. I am trying to acknowledge that I am human and I am trying to not pretend that I have it all together and that I am perfect because really, who is perfect other than Jesus, and I am so not Jesus.
I don’t always like how God works. I wish he would do things my way, because my way would not include any struggles. 🙂 They would just happen. He is working though. I keep trying to fight it in certain areas, but there is no way that he will allow that to happen. There are people that have been strategically placed in my life over the last three years and they will not watch me fall down the rabbit hole.
Being hurt is not something that happens to me very often. I have walls that I have built up that are impenetrable! Over the last couple of years though, those walls have slowly been coming down. I have began to feel more in a very positive way, but with that comes pain also. I have found myself feeling things that I really could have been okay without feeling and although I know it is part of the healing process, I hate it! All of it! I have had people who I thought were friends hurt me in ways I didn’t know I could be hurt. I have felt used, unappreciated, unloved, unworthy, and unimportant. Those feelings I guess have always been there, but I was good at ignoring them and when you don’t feel, it is easy to ignore them.
Part of my attempted perfection was not acknowledging all of those negative feelings because I felt that it made me weak and less of a person. I am finding out that they make me more of a person and that it is through my weaknesses and feelings, stemmed from some things as far back as my childhood that make me the person I am. As I work through these times, those weaknesses and lies that I have allowed to swim around in my head, will become my strengths.
I am not perfect and although I try to make myself look like it on the outside, the outside is a mask that I use to hide the hurt inside. There is so much good in my life and I am a very positive person, most of the time. I am funny, I have an interesting sense of humor, I believe in fairy tales, I believe that one day I will have all of the money that I need and more so that I can bless people to the extreme, I believe that I will have a perfectly pristine home without a mess or any disorganization anywhere, I believe that I will be traveling around speaking one day, and that I will “work” from home as my source of survival income, but I can’t seem to believe that love is out there for me. Every time I feel like it is on the brink of happening, my hopes and dreams seem to get splattered on the floor. It is never something that works out. I am constantly “loved” by people who are unable to “love” me at this time. Timing you know… blah! That is LAME!!! If you really “loved” me, you would find a way to make it work! Part of it is me I am sure. My heart belongs to the unavailable. How can I give it to another if I don’t have it to give. Of course I am going to continue to question my value if the keeper of my heart does not value it enough to nurture it!
This quest for a husband has been much more than I had intended for it to be. I thought I would be having fun going out on dates and exploring a journey full of excitement. It has been fun and it has been an exciting journey that is still going, but it is far different than anything I could have set out to do. I have learned so much about myself. I have gone from one extreme to another. God has worked in me so much greater than I could have hoped for. I have stumbled, made some crazy mistakes, taken paths that lead me straight into the thick of the forest, but through it all, God has been right by my side. He has laid my name on the heart of others at the most perfect times making these blips in my walk shorter and shorter. It is not an easy path to take and sometimes I just want to give up and take matters into my own hands. Surely I could be married by now if I would just compromise my faith. Thank God, I have not actually chosen to do that. It would be detrimental to my future. I am still believing that my day is not too far off, but for now the quest continues. I will choose to continue down this path until the day that my forever joins me on this path forever!