Do you ever have those super cool moments when you are talking to a friend and stuff comes out of your mouth that you didn’t even know was in your head and then you look around like “who said that”? When you realize that you said it and it came from your brain, it is like the best moment ever. A total download from somewhere of the most brilliant information! Okay, maybe not the most brilliant, but pretty great anyway.
So, my friend and I were talking about men and life and love and what we want from men, life, and love. We were reliving the past and talking about our messed up choices and how we really haven’t made great relationship decisions. Thankfully we have both grown a lot since then and know more of what we want and we are smart enough to have things in place so that there are safe guards with the intention of not having any more “I would like to pretend that never happened moments”, and that’s when it happened!
I came up with this description of what I want my relationship experience to be like and I think it is pretty cool! In the past, like so many of us do, I have jumped into a relationship without ever taking time to enjoy all of the moments leading up to the commitment part of it.
Here it is… we all like the beach right? Any time I go to the beach the entire experience is what is amazing. From the moment I drive over the hill and see the ocean the whole world is just different, the air feels different, there is something about the ocean air. As I get closer, the weight of the world begins to lift, finally I park, get out of the car and start walking towards the sand. My toes touch the sand first, as my foot lowers and I feel the sand going through my feet, it’s a wonderful feeling. I can feel the sun kissing my face and shoulders. It is perfect and comforting. I walk towards the water anticipating the chill of the ocean. There is excitement knowing just how magnificent the ocean is. The ocean is strong, powerful, awesome, unpredictable, calming, beautiful, and intense. I stand there letting the water run over my feet, taunting me and encouraging me to come a little closer. I respond to its call and I go a little further into the water. It is cold, I squeal in delight and there is a small part of me that wants to run away because of the unknown. I don’t know what’s in the water. I am unsure of what I will be surrounded with so I take my time getting comfortable. I let myself get used to the water and the strength. I watch how the water treats the people who are already in. I take the time to experience and enjoy the moment all the while inching farther and farther in. Before I know it, I am far into the ocean, diving in the waves, riding the waves to shore and going out and doing it all over again. Since I don’t live by the beach any more, and I certainly didn’t appreciate it when I did, I don’t take advantage of the beauty of it when I am there any longer. I soak it all in and when it is time to leave I find myself in a state of bliss. I am spent from a day being pampered by the sun and water.
I don’t want to jump in with my whole body any longer. I want to enjoy the sand and enjoy the walk down to the water. I want to enjoy the water touching my toes. I want to get excited about the water going over my ankles. I want to feel the cold rush. That screaming, giddy fun, run in, run out before I totally commit to jumping in the wave. I want to enjoy all of the little things before I completely jump in. I want a story and memories and life. I want it to be slower than it has in the past.
This is how I want my relationship to start. I don’t want to not appreciate each moment. I want the slow intentional steps. I just keep thinking how awesome it would be to have a relationship be like a day at the beach. From the moment I drive over the hill and see him the whole world will change. The anticipation and the excitement of getting out of my car, house, where ever and that first moment of breathing the same air as him. I would hope that every time I see my forever person I choose to experience that moment as if it were the first time that I realized that I was in love with him and I want him to feel the same. The walks through life would be like the sand on my toes. The small gestures are like the ocean taunting me to come closer and to trust. There has to be trust to allow the water to carry you to shore. I may not know what each moment has to hold with my forever, but as we slowly take our time getting to know each other saving the final jump for later, it is exciting just knowing the magnificence that will follow. I realized that in the past, I just jumped into a relationship both feet first with the mentality of lets see where it will go, what have I got to lose? I had a lot to lose. Pieces of my heart were lost. Pieces of me. I have carried those feelings with me. With the end of each relationship, I became more jaded and less able to love. Thankfully, by the grace of God, that is no longer the case. I have healed from a lot of the wounds and now I know that I don’t want to jump in and fully submerge myself into the ocean (relationship). I want to experience it all. I want to lay in bed at the end of the night in a state of bliss from enjoying every part of my life.
This is an image that I have held onto since I first thought of it. I plan to remind myself continuously and keep people in my life who will remind me. I guess they will be like the life guards in my life, there in case I forget that I have to embrace the process, ready to pull me out from the currents if they get too strong before they should.
I am so excited for this journey to begin! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me!