It’s days like today that I feel the void of that person in my life. Days like today when I sit down and reflect upon my day and I want to be able to call him up or sit down next to him and talk to him all about it, but “he” isn’t there. Nobody is. Not true. Jesus is and I love the comfort of that, but I really want that person that is physically on the other end of the phone or next to me. I long for that.
It’s an interesting place to be. I am so content with my life and in some ways, I don’t want any part of it to change. I enjoy each moment with my kids and I enjoy the alone time just as much. It is pretty incredible to feel that way. It is awesome to honestly and truly love my life. It is because I love my life so much that the void is so great sometimes. I want to share my life with him. It is too good not to share. There is so much love, joy, excitement, silliness, and fun to not experience it with someone. Today was a day worth sharing.
My day started way too early. Earlier than any other normal day. My kids were wonderful about it. No complaining or whining, just up and ready for the full day we had planned. We went to church and I had the amazing opportunity to be in a small Christmas production along side my older son. It was pretty magnificent to experience this with him and then to sit in church with him. It seems like yesterday that he was just this little kid who was wild, rambunctious, and would not leave my side. Watching him today and doing something that we both love together was a blessing. After church, we went to lunch with my sister and her family. There were moments at lunch where I just would look at our group and think “wow, this is cool”. We are all grown up with families of our own and sharing life together. I am blessed. Lunch ended and the boys and I came home, played games, and watched a movie before meeting up with my parents, my brother and his family, and my sister and her family to go and see the lights at the Mormon temple. It was crowded, so it was a little difficult to really take it in, but just so great having the family together. The night started to come to an end with dinner. Once we were home, I had the opportunity to lay in bed with my older son and talk about the day. It was incredible to hear him talk about the sermon. He is eight and not a fan of sitting in “big church”. I didn’t even think he was listening, but I was proven wrong. He heard everything and told me all about his take away’s. I laid there listening to him and thinking wow, this kid is growing up and I am so proud of him.
While cleaning up after the day and making lunches for the week is when the overwhelming feeling of being alone hit me. It happens at the most random moments. Like one time, I was walking out of a coffee shop and was physically feeling alone. Like there was something missing. It was weird. I do things alone all of the time. It never bothers me, but occasionally I feel the void of my other half. It is breathtaking. Like I can actually feel it. I can feel it so strongly that it stops me in my tracks. It isn’t followed by sadness or loneliness, it is just a wave of awareness. I don’t know if I can actually describe what I am feeling, but sometimes I wonder if those moments are so strong because “he” is feeling the same thing at that exact moment.
I know this, I am not ready to be married. There is too much of my life that I enjoy in my singleness, but I am for sure ready to have somebody in my life to share the good times (and occasional bad times) with. I have been ready for a while now, but it is getting stronger! I don’t know that I would say that I am impatient with the wait, but I am getting a little antsy. Like when will my time be?
2015 is going to be an awesome year. This year has been one of the best, but I just believe that 2015 will be even better! I am getting that itch, the itch to see great things happen. Will 2015 include Mr. Forever? Sigh… I sure would like to know.