We portray this image of perfection online and in social media. It isn’t often that a blog, instagram, facebook, or twitter post is raw and real. Even the raw ones generally are edited. There is always a thought in the back of our minds. The what if’s. I know that often I think my mom is going to be reading this, or my sister, or a friend from church. I am going to have to face someone I know who read my blog and what if they think lesser of me? What if they don’t understand. What if they judge. How do we get out of that? I want to be candid, raw, and honest, because the truth is that although most of my days are great and most of my days leave little for me to complain about, I still have feelings and emotions that eat away at me. I still have things that are stuck inside of me that I want to get out and getting it out in a notebook just isn’t good enough sometimes. I lock it in my prayer closet, I take it to God, I pray about it, I think about it, I meditate on it, I chew on it, I push it aside, I write it in my journal, but it is still there nagging at me begging to be let out!
But what if… What if I were honest and said that my heart is longing for something different? What if I said that I am having a hard time containing my desire to be with my forever person? What if I said that sometimes I cry when I see another couple in line at the store laughing, cuddling, even fighting because I want that? What if I said that I feel my singleness in a way that I never have before? Would you judge me? Would you misunderstand what I am saying as being desperate, lonely, or discontent with my singleness? What if I said that I like my life as a single person? What if I told you that I enjoy the time alone in my house? What if I told you that I like to be able to make a last minute decision to do something with a friend after work and not have to check in with anyone? Would you call me fickle or confused?
All of those things are true. My heart hurts. I desire to be in a relationship so badly and not because my life is not great, but because it is great. For the first time in my adult life, I do not NEED a man. Financially, I am doing good. I may not have a lot of extra, but I sure can pay my bills and I have some left to enjoy. I have a house that I love and have been in for a while now. I have a car that does not break down every other day. I can take care of myself. I am great at this single mom thing. I can juggle all that is thrown my way. I am not misguided in thinking that things are working as wonderful as they are because I am some kind of super human, but because I have learned to lean on God and let him be the man of my life. I love that! I love that I do not have the struggles that I once had and I love that when I say I want to be in a relationship, it isn’t because I am lacking in some area and I am expecting a man to come in and rescue me.
My heart literally aches to share my life with someone. I am at a place of feeling like I am begging God! When is it my time??? What more do I need to do? How do I get to have that part of my life given to me? When will you give that to me God? I know there is more work to be done in my life, but there will ALWAYS be work to be done! Isn’t that the case with all of us? What more do you need from me? Do you want my house? My money? My food? My clothes? My car? What is it that you want from me? What more do I have to work on to get to the next journey of my life? I will do it! Just tell me!!! I feel like I am relentless in asking, but clearly I am not relentless enough! Do I need to shout it from the mountaintop? Do I need to ask every person I meet to pray with me? When do I get to that point of sharing life with my someday husband?
I have people tell me that maybe the man he has planned for me isn’t ready yet! I don’t want to hear that, common God, send an army of God fearing men in to surround him and build him up! Do we need to do Chinese torture to get him to submit and stop making me wait? What is the plan here! Please at least give me the cliff notes!
I don’t have any desire to be married today. Like I said, I like my life. I kind of like the idea of living a double life for a while. I have half the week with my kids and I like that and want to keep that to myself for now, but the other half, I would really like to spend some of those days with my man ya know? Maybe next year we can do the whole combining lives thing, but for now let’s live like we don’t have kids when we don’t have them!
The moral of the story is that I want to freely love someone (not anyone, but someone) and for them to freely love me! I want to make mountains move with someone and watch the kingdom grow! I want to serve Jesus next to someone and live life with someone. My heart aches for this!
The level in which this post makes me uncomfortable by putting this out there is off the charts, but I am choosing to be bold this year. I am asking for my husband! Not because I am desperate or lonely, but because I am ready!