The man of her dreams…

Almost 5 years ago Sarah met the man of her dreams. There was no way to know then that this man literally would be the man of her dreams. He seemed so real. So alive. His eyes were a window to a future she had never given herself permission to wish for. Being in his presence excited her in ways that she didn’t know were possible. He could see right through the tough exterior and to find the real person inside. It was tantalizing, scary and exciting. He was everything she could ever want and more. Such a strong, kind, loving, and protective man. He was a warrior, a fighter. He was perfect. She was afraid that if she blinked the dream would be gone and reality would be mocking her for allowing such a dream to unfold.

Then one day, unexpectedly, it happened. She blinked. Everything she thought that she was going to experience slipped through her fingers. She didn’t know at the time what she could have had if only she hadn’t been so afraid. She had taken for granted what she thought was in front of her. She let it go thinking she would never look back. Only, she never actually looked forward. She has mentally stayed in that dream adding to it and living it and experiencing it as if the reality of it could come back to her.

Sarah often imagines the day that the man of her dreams will surface again and be real, free from what keeps him locked up in her mind. It’s feels like a constant fight, like the dream world is so close and could be so tangible, but every time she begins to get close enough to enter, the real world shakes it up and it feels far away again. She wonders how she can move on. She wants to move on. She knows that she will not be able to survive like this forever, but she is stuck in the fog of the dream. There are seasons where she puts the dream on the shelf expecting it to stay there, but unexpectedly the dream man will call out to her, promising her a lifetime of love. He tells her how much he loves her and how she is the only one who he has opened up to. He tells her that she is everything he wants, yet he keeps his distance teasing her with empty promises and tempting her with everything she longs for. Occasionally, he gently kisses her lips and caresses her just enough to bring her back to life and awaken every part of her body whispering to her how much he loves her and how he thinks about and fantasizes about the day that she can be his.

It is a twisted game, a game of control. It is a game that Sarah loathes and swears time and time again that she will not fall prey to, but this dream holds her captive. Every time he calls her name, she is powerless to fight. He has become her drug. She needs him to survive. He has her soul and carefully and gently he manipulates it in ways that she does not understand. It is exhilarating and infuriating at the same time. She loves the control that he has over her, it is a new and foreign experience. At the same time she hates this control because it is destroying her heart.

Often Sarah finds herself lost in her dream wondering how this man gained the power to dominate her. How is it that he subtly snuck in? How did she not see this happening? No man has ever been able to penetrate the wall that she keeps up. No man has ever been able to control her. She has always held all of the cards in her hand. Somehow, without looking, she let go of the deck and gave the dream man the all of the cards.

It would make sense if she regretted it and wished to take the control back. Who could blame her, after all it is just a dream, but the thought of losing the dream is scary. If the dream is lost, then she would have to face reality and accept the rejection. She would have to admit that she has lived in this place that could never be real and held on to the hope that it could be knowing that it was just a dream. Losing the dream is too much to bear. It is heartbreaking and she isn’t sure that she would be able to recover from it.

Slowly, Sarah feels the dream dying. With every power play that the dream man uses. With every sudden disappearance leaving her spent and alone the dream dies a little more. Sarah is holding onto every string she can find trying to keep the dream alive because she cannot imagine a life without it. She cannot imagine a life without the power that he has over her. It is a constant tug of war in her mind, that she knows will someday come to an end. The question remains, will the dream live or die?

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